A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

on being asked to renounce the Devil, on his deathbed:

This is no time for making new enemies.

Voltaire 1694–1778 French writer and philosopher

The Law

see alsoCRIME, JUDGES

Laws are like sausages. It’s better not to see them being made.

Otto von Bismarck 1815–98 German statesman

The one great principle of the English law is, to make business for itself.

Charles Dickens 1812–70 English novelist

This contract is so one-sided that I am surprised to find it written on both sides of the paper.

Lord Evershed 1899–1966 British judge

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Robert Frost 1874–1963 American poet

I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on the television and I bent her contraceptive coil.

Uri Geller 1946– Israeli magician and illusionist

on the award of £600,000 libel damages to Sonia Sutcliffe against Private Eye:

If this is justice, I am a banana.

Ian Hislop 1960– English satirical journalist

No-one obeys the speed limit except a motorised rickshaw.

Boris Johnson 1964– British Conservative politician

If you want to get ahead in this world get a lawyer—not a book.

Fran Lebowitz 1950– American writer, on self-help books

In England, justice is open to all—like the Ritz Hotel.

James Mathew 1830–1908 Irish judge

However harmless a thing is, if the law forbids it most people will think it wrong.

W. Somerset Maugham 1874–1965 English novelist

Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice.

H. L. Mencken 1880–1956 American journalist and literary critic

Here [in Paris] they hang a man first, and try him afterwards.

Molière 1622–73 French comic dramatist

MASTER OF THE ROLLS: Really, Mr Smith, do give this court credit for some little intelligence.

SMITH: That is the mistake I made in the court below, my lord

F. E. Smith 1872–1930 British Conservative politician and lawyer

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.

Henry David Thoreau 1817–62 American writer

JUDGE: Are you trying to show contempt for this court?

WEST: No, I’m doing my best to hide it.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

on juries:

Asking the ignorant to use the incomprehensible to decide the unknowable.

Hiller B. Zobel 1932– American judge, see Wilde at sports

Lawyers

I have knowingly defended a number of guilty men. But the guilty never escape unscathed. My fees are sufficient punishment for anyone.

F. Lee Bailey 1933– American lawyer

I don’t know as I want a lawyer to tell me what I cannot do. I hire him to tell me how to do what I want to do.

J. P. Morgan 1837–1913 American financier and philanthropist

No brilliance is needed in the law. Nothing but common sense, and relatively clean finger nails.

John Mortimer 1923–2009 English writer and barrister

Professional men, they have no cares;

Whatever happens, they get theirs.

Ogden Nash 1902–71 American humorist

If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?

Calvin Trillin 1935– American journalist and writer

What chance has the ignorant, uncultivated liar against the educated expert? What chance have I ... against a lawyer?

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Letters

I would have answered your letter sooner, but you didn’t send one.

Goodman Ace 1899–1982 American humorist

formula with which to return unsolicited manuscripts:

Mr James Agate regrets that he has no time to bother about the enclosed in which he has been greatly interested.

James Agate 1877–1947 British drama critic and novelist

using Lawrence’s military number:

Dear 338171 (May I call you 338?).

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

in reply to a letter from executives of CBS headed ‘From the desk of’:

Dear Desk, ...

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

Sir, My pa requests me to write to you, the doctors considering it doubtful whether he will ever recuvver the use of his legs which prevents his holding a pen.

Charles Dickens 1812–70 English novelist

It is wonderful how much news there is when people write every other day; if they wait for a month, there is nothing that seems worth telling.

O. Douglas 1877–1948 Scottish writer

I have made this [letter] longer than usual, only because I have not had the time to make it shorter.

Blaise Pascal 1623–62 French mathematician, physicist, and moralist