A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Tom Stoppard 1937– British dramatist

Freedom of the press in Britain means freedom to print such of the proprietor’s prejudices as the advertisers don’t object to.

Hannen Swaffer 1879–1962 British journalist

There are laws to protect the freedom of the press’s speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

the difference between journalism and literature:

Journalism is unreadable, and literature is not read.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Rock journalism is people who can’t write interviewing people who can’t talk for people who can’t read.

Frank Zappa 1940–93 American rock musician

Judges

see alsoCRIME, LAW

Reform! Reform! Aren’t things bad enough already?

Mr Justice Astbury 1860–1939 British judge

CONVICTED CRIMINAL: As God is my judge—I am innocent.

LORD BIRKETT: He isn’t; I am, and you’re not!

Lord Birkett 1883–1962 English barrister and judge

I don’t want to know what the law is, I want to know who the judge is.

Roy M. Cohn 1927–86 American lawyer

the judge Sir James Mansfield had suggested that the Court might sit on Good Friday:

If your Lordship pleases. But your Lordship will be the first judge who has done so since Pontius Pilate.

William Davy d. 1780, the Court did not sit

I always feel that there should be some comfort derived from any question from the bench. It is clear proof that the inquiring Justice is not asleep.

Robert H. Jackson 1892–1954 American lawyer and judge

JUDGE: I have read your case, Mr Smith, and I am no wiser now than I was when I started.

SMITH: Possibly not, My Lord, but far better informed.

F. E. Smith 1872–1930 British Conservative politician and lawyer

JUDGE: What do you suppose I am on the Bench for, Mr Smith?

SMITH: It is not for me, Your Honour, to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence.

F. E. Smith 1872–1930 British Conservative politician and lawyer

Kissing

asked what it was like to kiss Marilyn Monroe:

It’s like kissing Hitler.

Tony Curtis 1925–2010 American actor

To let a fool kiss you is stupid,

To let a kiss fool you is worse.

E. Y. Harburg 1898–1981 American songwriter

on being discovered by his wife with a chorus girl:

I wasn’t kissing her, I was just whispering in her mouth.

Chico Marx 1891–1961 American film comedian

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize-fighters shaking hands.

H. L. Mencken 1880–1956 American journalist and literary critic

Kissing don’t last: cookery do!

George Meredith 1828–1909 English novelist and poet

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to know.

Mistinguett 1875–1956 French actress

I smoked my first cigarette and kissed my first woman on the same day. I have never had time for tobacco since.

Arturo Toscanini 1867–1957 Italian conductor

Language

see alsoLANGUAGES, WORDS

Sentence structure is innate but whining is acquired.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

Don’t swear, boy. It shows a lack of vocabulary.

Alan Bennett 1934– English dramatist and actor

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

There was so little English in that answer that President Chirac would have been happy with it.

William Hague 1961– British Conservative politician

The only person entitled to use the imperial ‘we’ in speaking of himself is a king, an editor, and a man with a tapeworm.

Robert G. Ingersoll 1833–99 American agnostic

The Achilles heel which has bitten us in the backside all year has stood out like a sore thumb.

Andy King 1956– English footballer

The subjunctive mood is in its death throes, and the best thing to do is to put it out of its misery as soon as possible.

W. Somerset Maugham 1874–1965 English novelist

My spelling is Wobbly. It’s good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.

A. A. Milne 1882–1956 English writer

All those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head.

Terry Pratchett 1948–2015 English fantasy writer

Save the gerund and screw the whale.

Tom Stoppard 1937– British dramatist

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.

Gore Vidal 1925–2012 American novelist and critic

title for a language-monitoring organization: