A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

A very weak-minded fellow I am afraid, and, like the feather pillow, bears the marks of the last person who has sat on him!

Earl Haig 1861–1928 British general, of Lord Derby

on being criticized by Geoffrey Howe:

Like being savaged by a dead sheep.

Denis Healey 1917–2015 British Labour politician

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three.

Joseph Heller 1923–99 American novelist

When you cannot answer your opponent’s logic, do not be discouraged—You can still call him vile names.

Elbert Hubbard 1859–1915 American writer

to a subordinate:

You couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.

Lyndon Baines Johnson 1908–73 American Democratic statesman

This little flower, this delicate little beauty, this cream puff, is supposed to be beyond personal criticism ... He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

Paul Keating 1944– Australian Labor statesman, of John Hewson, the Australian Liberal leader

The truckman, the trashman and the policeman on the block may call me Alice but you may not.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth 1884–1980 American socialite, to Senator Joseph McCarthy

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

The only thing Madonna will ever do like a virgin is give birth in a stable.

Bette Midler 1945– American actress

The affair between Margot Asquith and Margot Asquith will live as one of the prettiest love stories in all literature.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

on hearing that a well-known English actress, famous for her love affairs with members of the legal profession, had broken her leg:

She must have done it sliding down a barrister.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

I’m not offended at all, because I know I’m not a dumb blonde. I also know I’m not blonde.

Dolly Parton 1946– American singer and songwriter

Elizabeth Taylor is wearing Orson Welles designer jeans.

Joan Rivers 1933–2014 American comedienne

Diana Rigg is built like a brick mausoleum with insufficient flying buttresses.

John Simon 1925– American critic

JUDGE: You are extremely offensive, young man.

SMITH: As a matter of fact, we both are, and the only difference between us is that I am trying to be, and you can’t help it.

F. E. Smith 1872–1930 British Conservative politician and lawyer

on a proposal to surround St Paul’s with a wooden pavement:

Let the Dean and Canons lay their heads together and the thing will be done.

Sydney Smith 1771–1845 English clergyman and essayist

[Richard Nixon is] the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, and then mount the stump and make a speech on conservation.

Adlai Stevenson 1900–65 American Democratic politician

I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion.

Robert Louis Stevenson 1850–94 Scottish novelist

when pressed by a gramophone company for a written testimonial:

Sirs, I have tested your machine. It adds a new terror to life and makes death a long-felt want.

Herbert Beerbohm Tree 1852–1917 English actor-manager

There, standing at the piano, was the original good time who had been had by all.

Kenneth Tynan 1927–80 English theatre critic

Looking and sounding not unlike Hitler, but without the charm.

Gore Vidal 1925–2012 American novelist and critic, on William F. Buckley Jr.

Every other inch a gentleman.

Rebecca West 1892–1983 English novelist and journalist

CECILY: When I see a spade I call it a spade.

GWENDOLEN: I am glad to say that I have never seen a spade.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

She’s been on more laps than a napkin.

Walter Winchell 1897–1972 American journalist

Intelligence and Intellectuals

see alsoMIND

No one, however smart, however well-educated, however experienced, is the suppository of all wisdom.

Tony Abbott 1957– Australian Liberal statesman

definition of an intellectual:

Someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Anonymous

I’m not young enough to know everything.