A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

It’s an odd job, making decent people laugh.

Molière 1622–73 French comic dramatist

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian . . . They’re not laughing now.

Bob Monkhouse 1928–2003 English entertainer

Good taste and humour ... are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore.

Malcolm Muggeridge 1903–90 British journalist

Satire is a lesson, parody is a game.

Vladimir Nabokov 1899–1977 Russian novelist

That’s the Irish people all over—they treat a joke as a serious thing and a serious thing as a joke.

Sean O’Casey 1880–1964 Irish dramatist

Laughter is pleasant, but the exertion is too much for me.

Thomas Love Peacock 1785–1866 English novelist and poet

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.

Will Rogers 1879–1935 American actor and humorist

There are three basic rules for great comedy. Unfortunately no-one can remember what they are.

Arthur Smith 1954– English comedian

Humour is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity.

James Thurber 1894–1961 American humorist

Laughter would be bereaved if snobbery died.

Peter Ustinov 1921–2004 British actor, director, and writer

It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

Husbands

see alsoMARRIAGE

The most popular labour-saving device today is still a husband with money.

Joey Adams 1911–99 American comedian

showing Lord Esher the corpse of her notoriously unfaithful husband, King Edward VII:

Now at least I know where he is!

Queen Alexandra 1844–1925

My husband will never chase another woman. He’s too fine, too decent, too old.

Gracie Allen 1895–1964 American comedienne

My husband said he needed more space, so I locked him outside.

Roseanne Barr 1952– American comedienne and actress

Being a husband is a whole-time job. That is why so many husbands fail. They cannot give their entire attention to it.

Arnold Bennett 1867–1931 English novelist

Never marry a man who hates his mother, because he’ll end up hating you.

Jill Bennett 1931–90 English actress

A girl can wait for the right man, but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with the wrong ones.

Cher 1946– American singer and actress

Every woman should marry an archaeologist because she grows increasingly attractive to him as she grows increasingly to resemble a ruin.

Agatha Christie 1890–1976 English writer of detective fiction

I’ve never yet met a man who could look after me. I don’t need a husband. What I need is a wife.

Joan Collins 1933– British actress

To catch a husband is an art, to keep him a job.

Simone de Beauvoir 1908–86 French novelist and feminist

The desire to get married is a basic and primal instinct in women. It’s followed by another basic and primal instinct: the desire to be single again.

Nora Ephron 1941–2012 American screenwriter and director

Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.

Zsa Zsa Gabor 1917–2016 Hungarian-born actress

when asked how many husbands she had had:

You mean apart from my own?

Zsa Zsa Gabor 1917–2016 Hungarian-born actress

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his cheque book open.

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

Joan Rivers 1933–2014 American comedienne

A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.

Helen Rowland 1875–1950 American writer

When you see what some girls marry, you realise how they must hate to work for a living.

Helen Rowland 1875–1950 American writer

He would grab me in his arms, hold me close—and tell me how wonderful he was.

Shelley Winters 1922–2006 American actress, of her ex-husband Vittorio Gassman

Hypocrisy

We are so very ’umble.

Charles Dickens 1812–70 English novelist, Uriah Heep

If I were two-faced would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln 1809–65 American statesman

An orgy looks particularly alluring seen through the mists of righteous indignation.

Malcolm Muggeridge 1903–90 British journalist

Most people sell their souls, and live with a good conscience on the proceeds.

Logan Pearsall Smith 1865–1946 American-born man of letters

I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Ideas

I ran into Isosceles. He has a great idea for a new triangle!