A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

That exquisite handwriting like a fly which has been trained at the Russian ballet.

James Agate 1877–1947 British drama critic and novelist, of George Bernard Shaw’s handwriting

The dawn of legibility in his handwriting has revealed his utter inability to spell.

Ian Hay 1876–1952 Scottish novelist and dramatist

No individual word was decipherable, but, with a bold reader, groups could be made to conform to a scheme based on probabilities.

Edith Œ. Somerville 1858–1949 and Martin Ross 1862–1915 Irish writers

I know that handwriting ... I remember it perfectly. The ten commandments in every stroke of the pen, and the moral law all over the page.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Hangovers

seeDRUNKENNESSand Hangovers

Happiness

see alsoHOPE, SATISFACTION

The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Walter Bagehot 1826–77 English economist and essayist

Happiness is good health—and a bad memory.

Ingrid Bergman 1915–82 Swedish actress

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns 1896–1996 American comedian

Happiness is ... finding two olives in your martini when you’re hungry.

Johnny Carson 1925–2005 American broadcaster and comedian

There’s no pleasure on earth that’s worth sacrificing for the sake of an extra five years in the geriatric ward of the Sunset Old People’s Home, Weston-Super-Mare.

John Mortimer 1923–2009 English writer and barrister

Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact.

Bertrand Russell 1872–1970 British philosopher and mathematician

There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart’s desire. The other is to get it.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

Life would be very pleasant if it were not for its enjoyments.

R. S. Surtees 1805–64 English sporting journalist and novelist

A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Alexander Woollcott 1887–1943 American writer

Headlines

Headless Body in Topless Bar.

Anonymous

Sticks nix hick pix.

Anonymous, on the lack of enthusiasm for farm dramas among rural populations

If I rescued a child from drowning, the Press would no doubt headline the story ‘Benn grabs child.’

Tony Benn 1925–2014 British Labour politician

with which Cockburn claimed to have won a competition at The Times for the dullest headline:

Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead.

Claud Cockburn 1904–81 British writer and journalist

SIXTY HORSES WEDGED IN CHIMNEY

The story to fit this sensational headline has not turned up yet.

J. B. Morton 1893–1975 British journalist

Health

seeSICKNESSand Health

Heroes

The important thing when you are going to do something brave is to have someone on hand to witness it.

Michael Howard 1922– English historian

I’m a hero wid coward’s legs, I’m a hero from the waist up.

Spike Milligan 1918–2002 Irish comedian

Genghis Khan was not exactly lovable but I suppose he is my favourite historical character because he was damned efficient.

Kerry Packer 1937–2005 Australian media tycoon

We can’t all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.

Will Rogers 1879–1935 American actor and humorist

History

I often think it odd that it should be so dull, for a great deal of it must be invention.

Jane Austen 1775–1817 English novelist, on history

History is a commentary on the various and continuing incapabilities of men. What is history? History is women following behind with the bucket.

Alan Bennett 1934– English dramatist and actor

I was still a medieval historian, not a profession, I imagine, with a high sexual strike rate.

Alan Bennett 1934– English dramatist and actor

History repeats itself; historians repeat one other.

Rupert Brooke 1887–1915 English poet

People who make history know nothing about history. You can see that in the sort of history they make.

G. K. Chesterton 1874–1936 English essayist, novelist, and poet

One of the lessons of history is Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

Will Durant 1855–1981 American historian

History is more or less bunk.

Henry Ford 1863–1947 American car manufacturer and businessman