A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

CLAIRE: How do you know you’re ... God?

EARL OF GURNEY: Simple. When I pray to Him I find I’m talking to myself.

Peter Barnes 1931–2004 English dramatist

If I were Her what would really piss me off the worst is that they cannot even get My gender right for Christsakes.

Roseanne Barr 1952– American comedienne and actress

God will not always be a Tory.

Lord Byron 1788–1824 English poet

I’m sorry, we don’t do God.

Alastair Campbell 1957– British journalist, Tony Blair’s Director of Communications, when Blair was asked about his Christian faith in an interview

Brian’s mother to his would-be followers:

TERRY JONES: He’s not the Messiah! He’s a very naughty boy!

Graham Chapman 1941–89, John Cleese 1939– , and others British comedians, in the film Monty Python’s Life of Brian

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

Thou shalt have one God only; who

Would be at the expense of two?

Arthur Hugh Clough 1819–61 English poet

I’ve absolutely no idea if God exists. It seems unlikely to me, but then—does a trout know that I exist?

Billy Connolly 1942– Scottish comedian

Our only hope rests on the off-chance that God does exist.

Alice Thomas Ellis 1932–2005 English novelist

The world is disgracefully managed, one hardly knows to whom to complain.

Ronald Firbank 1886–1926 English novelist

God will pardon me, it is His trade.

Heinrich Heine 1797–1856 German poet, see Catherine at royalty

God is love, but get it in writing.

Gypsy Rose Lee 1914–70 American striptease artist

The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.

H. L. Mencken 1880–1956 American journalist and literary critic

Satan probably wouldn’t have talked so big if God had been his wife.

P. J. O’Rourke 1947– American humorous writer

God can stand being told by Professor Ayer and Marghanita Laski that He doesn’t exist.

J. B. Priestley 1894–1984 English novelist, dramatist, and critic

what he plans to say to God when they meet:

I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but, boy, you’ve made a lot more.

Burt Reynolds 1936– American actor

Those who set out to serve both God and Mammon soon discover that there is no God.

Logan Pearsall Smith 1865–1946 American-born man of letters

Only one thing, is impossible for God: to find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

God was left out of the Constitution but was furnished a front seat on the coins of the country.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Golf

see alsoSPORTS

on the golf course, on being asked by Nancy Cunard, ‘What is your handicap?’

Drink and debauchery.

Lord Castlerosse 1891–1943

QUESTION: What is your handicap?

ANSWER: I’m a colored, one-eyed Jew—do I need anything else?

Sammy Davis Jnr. 1925–90 American entertainer

definition of a Coarse Golfer:

One who has to shout ‘Fore’ when he putts.

Michael Green 1927–2018 English writer

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.

Bob Hope 1903–2003 American comedian

I consider it unsportsmanlike to hit a sitting ball.

Ernest Hornung 1866–1921 English novelist, on why he disliked golf

I’m playing like Tarzan and scoring like Jane.

Chi Chi Rodriguez 1935– Puerto Rican golfer

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.

P. G. Wodehouse 1881–1975 English writer

Gossip

They come together like the Coroner’s Inquest, to sit upon the murdered reputations of the week.

William Congreve 1670–1729 English dramatist

It’s the gossip columnist’s business to write about what is none of his business.

Louis Kronenberger 1904–80 American critic

I hate to spread rumours, but what else can one do with them?

Amanda Lear 1939– French singer

If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth 1884–1980 American socialite