A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Hain’t we got all the fools in town on our side? and ain’t that a big enough majority in any town?

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Football

see alsoSPORTS

on meetings with players:

We talk about it for 20 minutes and then we decide I was right.

Brian Clough 1935–2004 English football manager

Football’s football; if that weren’t the case, it wouldn’t be the game it is.

Garth Crooks 1958– English football player

when asked by Sir Stanley Rous whether she thought anyone had played well in a particularly dull football Cup Final:

Yes, the band.

Elizabeth II 1926– British queen

The only thing that Norwich didn’t get was the goal that they finally got.

Jimmy Greaves 1940– English footballer

The natural state of the football fan is bitter disappointment, no matter what the score.

Nick Hornby 1957– British novelist and journalist

I don’t think some of the people who come to Old Trafford can spell football, never mind understand it.

Roy Keane 1971– Irish football player and manager

Football is a simple game; 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans win.

Gary Lineker 1960– English footballer

What’s a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals.

Bob Monkhouse 1928–2003 English entertainer

I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.

Eric Morecambe 1926–84 English comedian

We didn’t underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought.

Bobby Robson 1933–2009 English footballer and manager, on Cameroon’s football team

The first ninety minutes are the most important.

Bobby Robson 1933–2009 English footballer and manager

Some people think football is a matter of life and death ... I can assure them it is much more serious than that.

Bill Shankly 1913–81 Scottish footballer and football manager

REPORTER: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?

GORDON STRACHAN: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there ...

Gordon Strachan 1957– Scottish football manager

France

France is the only place where you can make love in the afternoon without people hammering on your door.

Barbara Cartland 1901–2000 English writer

How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?

Charles de Gaulle 1890–1970 French soldier and statesman

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE AS FRENCH TEACHER: Bonjourr, you cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

Matt Groening 1954– American humorist and satirist

The French are always too wordy and need cutting by half before they start.

Miles Kington 1941–2008 English humorist

No matter how politely or distinctly you ask a Parisian a question he will persist in answering you in French.

Fran Lebowitz 1950– American writer

Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!

Steve Martin 1945– American comedian

The Riviera isn’t only a sunny place for shady people.

W. Somerset Maugham 1874–1965 English novelist

Yet, who can help loving the land that has taught us

Six hundred and eighty-five ways to dress eggs?

Thomas Moore 1779–1852 Irish musician and songwriter

Cannes is where you lie on the beach and stare at the stars—or vice versa.

Rex Reed 1938– American critic

France is a country where the money falls apart in your hands and you can’t tear the toilet paper.

Billy Wilder 1906–2002 American screenwriter and director

Friends

see alsoENEMIES

I may be wrong, but I have never found deserting friends conciliates enemies.

Margot Asquith 1864–1945 British political hostess

Champagne for my real friends, and real pain for my sham friends.

Francis Bacon 1909–92 Irish painter, his favourite toast

Rough diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

Jilly Cooper 1937– English writer

To find a friend one must close one eye. To keep him—two.

Norman Douglas 1868–1952 Scottish-born novelist and essayist

Most of my friends seem either to be dead, extremely deaf, or living in the wrong part of Kent.

John Gielgud 1904–2000 English actor

[Friends are] God’s apology for relations.

Hugh Kingsmill 1889–1949 English man of letters

Money couldn’t buy friends but you got a better class of enemy.

Spike Milligan 1918–2002 Irish comedian

Scratch a lover, and find a foe.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

on Harold Macmillan’s sacking seven of his Cabinet:

Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his friends for his life.

Jeremy Thorpe 1929–2014 British Liberal politician