A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Tallulah Bankhead 1903–68 American actress, on Shirley Temple

JOE GILLIS: You used to be in pictures. You used to be big.

NORMA DESMOND: I am big. It’s the pictures that got small.

Charles Brackett 1892–1969 and Billy Wilder 1906–2002 screenwriters, in the film Sunset Boulevard

Nowadays Mitchum doesn’t so much act as point his suit at people.

Russell Davies 1946– British journalist

That man’s ears make him look like a taxi-cab with both doors open.

Howard Hughes Jr. 1905–76 American businessman and film producer, of Clark Gable

approaching an unwelcoming Greta Garbo and peering up under the brim of her floppy hat:

Pardon me, Ma’am ... I thought you were a guy I knew in Pittsburgh.

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

asked if she really had nothing on in a calendar photograph:

I had the radio on.

Marilyn Monroe 1926–62 American actress

Elizabeth [Taylor] is a wonderful movie actress: she has a deal with the film lab—she gets better in the bath overnight.

Mike Nichols 1931– American film director

on hearing that Ronald Reagan was seeking nomination as Governor of California:

No, no. Jimmy Stewart for governor—Reagan for his best friend.

Jack Warner 1892–1978 Canadian-born American film producer

It’s not what I do, but the way I do it. It’s not what I say, but the way I say it.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

on Marilyn Monroe’s unpunctuality:

My Aunt Minnie would always be punctual and never hold up production, but who would pay to see my Aunt Minnie?

Billy Wilder 1906–2002 American screenwriter and director

Fishing

If fishing is a religion, fly fishing is high church.

Tom Brokaw 1940– American journalist

I love fishing. It’s like transcendental meditation with a punch-line.

Billy Connolly 1942– Scottish comedian

Fishing is unquestionably a form of madness but, happily, for the once-bitten there is no cure.

Lord Home 1903–95 British Conservative statesman

Fly fishing may be a very pleasant amusement; but angling or float fishing I can only compare to a stick and a string, with a worm at one end and a fool at the other.

Samuel Johnson 1709–84 English poet, critic, and lexicographer

It has always been my private conviction that any man who pits his intelligence against a fish and loses has it coming.

John Steinbeck 1902–68 American novelist

Flattery

seePRAISEand Flattery

Flying

Airline travel is hours of boredom interrupted by moments of stark terror.

Al Boliska Canadian broadcaster

My inclination to go by the Air Express is confirmed by the crash they had yesterday, which will make them more careful in the immediate future.

A. E. Housman 1859–1936 English poet

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on.

Jean Kerr 1923–2003 American writer

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen. They’re just to muffle the screams.

Rita Rudner 1953– American comedienne and writer

Food

see alsoCOOKERY, DIETS

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead—not sick, not wounded—dead.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

DAVID MITCHELL: Frosties are just cornflakes for people who can’t deal with reality.

Jesse Armstrong and Sam Bain 1971– British screenwriters, in the TV show Peep Show

There’s no such thing as a little garlic.

Arthur Baer 1886–1969 American journalist

Snails. I find this a somewhat disturbing dish, but the sauce is divine. What I do is order escargots, and tell them to ‘hold’ the snails.

Henry Beard 1945– American humorist, Miss Piggy’s view

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.

James Beard 1903–85 American chef

I’ve always thought Alfred showed a marked lack of ingenuity over cakes—why didn’t he cut off the burnt bits, and ice the rest?

Madeline Bingham English writer

asked if he liked vegetables:

I don’t know. I have never eaten them ... No, that is not quite true. I once ate a pea.

Beau Brummell 1778–1840 English dandy

I’m President of the United States, and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli!

George Bush 1924– American Republican statesman

If you are afraid of butter, use cream.

Julia Child 1912–2004 American cook

[Cheese is] milk’s leap toward immortality.

Clifton Fadiman 1904–99 American critic