A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

Dave Lee Roth 1955– American rock singer

I try to keep fit. I’ve got these parallel bars at home. I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.

Arthur Smith 1954– English comedian

Faces

see alsoAPPEARANCE

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.

Muhammad Ali 1942–2016 American boxer

My face looks like a wedding cake left out in the rain.

W. H. Auden 1907–73 English poet

In appearance Dior is like a bland country curate made out of pink marzipan.

Cecil Beaton 1904–80 English photographer

of W. H. Auden’s heavily wrinkled face:

Were a fly to attempt to cross it, it would break its leg.

Lord David Cecil 1902–86 British biographer and critic

thanking Botox:

You have no idea how much money you’ve made me. I can’t look surprised but ...

Simon Cowell 1959– English music executive and broadcaster

DOLLY PARTON: Time marches on and eventually you realize it is marching across your face.

Robert Harling 1951– American writer, in the film Steel Magnolias

I tried to shave off my eyebrows once and my trousers fell down.

Denis Healey 1917–2015 British Labour politician

A face made of broken commandments.

John Masefield 1878–1967 English poet, in Sard Harker

Failure

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

Samuel Beckett 1906–89 Irish dramatist, novelist, and poet

Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavour.

Truman Capote 1924–84 American writer

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Thomas Alva Edison 1847–1931 American inventor

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields 1880–1946 American humorist

HOMER SIMPSON: Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Matt Groening 1954– American humorist and satirist

Come forth, Lazarus! And he came fifth and lost the job.

James Joyce 1882–1941 Irish novelist

Whoever said ‘It’s not whether you win or lose that counts’ probably lost.

Martina Navratilova 1956– Czech-born American tennis player

Anybody seen in a bus over the age of 30 has been a failure in life.

Loelia, Duchess of Westminster 1902–93

Fame

Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of people, and I said I would prefer to live on in my apartment.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

Oh, the self-importance of fading stars. Never mind, they will be black holes one day.

Jeffrey Bernard 1932–97 English journalist

I’m an instant star, just add water and stir.

David Bowie 1947–2016 English rock musician

They were so far down the bill I thought they were the printers.

Eddie Braben 1930–2013 English comedy writer, on Morecambe and Wise in early posters and playbills

Becoming famous has taken the place of going to heaven.

Jarvis Cocker 1963– English musician

One dreams of the goddess Fame and winds up with the bitch Publicity.

Peter De Vries 1910–93 American novelist

Fancy being remembered around the world for the invention of a mouse!

Walt Disney 1901–66 American animator and film producer

The main advantage of being famous is that when you bore people at dinner parties they think it is their fault.

Henry Kissinger 1923– American politician

Recognition has its upside, its downside and, you might say, its backside.

Pippa Middleton 1983– , on the worldwide coverage of her rear view as bridesmaid at her sister’s wedding to the Duke of Cambridge

Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we’ve never seen, she’s gonna have to swallow the camera.

Bette Midler 1945– American actress

You can’t shame or humiliate modern celebrities. What used to be called shame and humiliation is now called publicity.

P. J. O’Rourke 1947– American humorous writer

on being approached by a fan a few years after her retirement:

Get away dear, I don’t need you anymore.

Norma Talmadge 1893–1957 American film actress

on rumours she would be posing for Playboy:

Oh sure—and next month I’m dressing up as a sea bass for the front cover of Field and Stream!

Elizabeth Taylor 1932–2011 English-born American actress

One day you are a signature, next day you’re an autograph.