A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Richard Brinsley Sheridan 1751–1816 Irish dramatist and Whig politician

I have a rare intolerance to herbs which means I can only drink fermented liquids, such as gin.

Julie Walters 1950– British actress

Driving

of Annie’s parking:

WOODY ALLEN: That’s OK, we can walk to the kerb from here.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor, in the film Annie Hall

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin 1937–2008 American comedian

Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that’s what gets you.

Jeremy Clarkson 1960– English broadcaster

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said: ‘Parking fine’.

Tommy Cooper 1921–84 British comedian

[There are] only two classes of pedestrians in these days of reckless motor traffic—the quick, and the dead.

Lord Dewar 1864–1930 British industrialist

In Milan, traffic lights are instructions. In Rome, they are suggestions. In Naples, they are Christmas decorations.

Antonio Martino 1942– Italian politician

Drugs

LSD? Nothing much happened, but I did get the distinct impression that some birds were trying to communicate with me.

W. H. Auden 1907–73 English poet

Cocaine habit-forming? Of course not. I ought to know. I’ve been using it for years.

Tallulah Bankhead 1903–68 American actress

You start out playing rock ’n’ roll so you can have sex and do drugs. But you end up doing drugs so you can still play rock ’n’ roll and have sex.

Mick Jagger 1943– English rock musician

Sure thing, man. I used to be a laboratory myself once.

Keith Richards 1943– English rock musician, on being asked to autograph a fan’s school chemistry book

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.

Lily Tomlin 1939– American comedienne and actress

Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.

Robin Williams 1951–2014 American actor

Drunkenness and Hangovers

see alsoDRINK

Take the juice of two quarts of whisky.

Eddie Condon 1905–73 American jazz musician, recommended hangover cure

I often sit back and think ‘I wish I’d done that’ and find out later that I already have.

Richard Harris 1930–2002 Irish actor

I don’t get hangovers. You have to stop drinking to get a hangover.

Lemmy 1945–2015 English rock musician

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Dean Martin 1917–95 American singer and actor

One more drink and I’d have been under the host.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

But I’m not so think as you drunk I am.

J. C. Squire 1884–1958 English man of letters

[An alcoholic:] A man you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

Dylan Thomas 1914–53 Welsh poet

on being given aspirin from a small tin box by Jeeves:

Thank you, Jeeves. Don’t slam the lid.

P. G. Wodehouse 1881–1975 English-born writer

My dad was the town drunk. Usually that’s not so bad, but New York City?

Henny Youngman 1906–98 American comedian

Eating

see alsoFOOD

I believe that if ever I had to practise cannibalism, I might manage if there were enough tarragon around.

James Beard 1903–85 American chef

Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

Ambrose Bierce 1842–c.1914 American writer

In general they [my children] refused to eat anything that hadn’t danced on TV.

Erma Bombeck 1927–96 American humorist

The healthy stomach is nothing if not conservative. Few radicals have good digestions.

Samuel Butler 1835–1902 English novelist

MISS PIGGY: Never eat more than you can lift.

Jim Henson 1936–90 American puppeteer

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you’re hungry again.

George Miller

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

Spike Milligan 1918–2002 Irish comedian

He found that a fork in his inexperienced hand was an instrument of chase rather than capture.

H. G. Wells 1866–1946 English novelist

Economics

see alsoMONEY

A man explained inflation to his wife thus: ‘When we married you measured 36-24-36. Now you’re 42-42-42. There’s more of you, but you’re not worth as much.’

Joel Barnett 1923–2014 British Labour politician

It’s the economy, stupid.