A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.

Lisa Kirk 1925–90 American actress and singer

Do you know the difference between involvement and commitment? Think of ham and eggs. The chicken is involved. The pig is committed.

Martina Navratilova 1956– Czech-born American tennis player

Being powerful is like being a lady—if you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.

Margaret Thatcher 1925–2013 British Conservative stateswoman, originally said by American trade unionist Jesse Carr

Democracy

see alsoGOVERNMENT, POLITICS

Democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking.

Clement Attlee 1883–1967 British Labour statesman

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

James Bovard 1956– American writer

Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against.

W. C. Fields 1880–1946 American humorist

on John F. Kennedy’s electoral victory in Wisconsin:

A triumph for democracy. It proves that a millionaire has just as good a chance as anybody else.

Bob Hope 1903–2003 American comedian

Under democracy one party always devotes its energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule—and both commonly succeed and are right.

H. L. Mencken 1880–1956 American journalist and literary critic

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.

George Orwell 1903–50 English novelist

on the death of a supporter of Proportional Representation:

He has joined what even he would admit to be the majority.

John Sparrow 1906–92 English academic

It’s not the voting that’s democracy, it’s the counting.

Tom Stoppard 1937– British dramatist

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

a voter canvassed by Wilkes had declared that he would sooner vote for the devil:

And if your friend is not standing?

John Wilkes 1727–97 English parliamentary reformer

Depression

He’s really turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.

David Frost 1939–2013 English broadcaster and writer

Noble deeds and hot baths are the best cures for depression.

Dodie Smith 1896–1990 English novelist and dramatist

Depression is melancholy minus its charms.

Susan Sontag 1933–2004 American writer

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Steven Wright 1955– American comedian

Description

see alsoAPPEARANCE

About as cuddly as a cornered ferret.

Lynn Barber 1944– English journalist, of Anne Robinson

His smile bathed us like warm custard.

Basil Boothroyd 1910–88 English writer

What can you do with a man who looks like a female llama surprised when bathing?

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman, of Charles de Gaulle

of Arnold Schwarzenegger:

I once described him as looking like a brown condom full of walnuts.

Clive James 1939– Australian critic and writer

A man who so much resembled a Baked Alaska—sweet, warm and gungy on the outside, hard and cold within.

Francis King 1923–2011 British writer, of C. P. Snow

[He looks like] an explosion in a pubic hair factory.

Jonathan Miller 1934– English writer and director, of Paul Johnson

She fitted into my biggest armchair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing armchairs tight about the hips that season.

P. G. Wodehouse 1881–1975 English writer

Despair

seeHOPEand Despair

Diaries

What is more dull than a discreet diary? One might just as well have a discreet soul.

Chips Channon 1897–1958 American-born British Conservative politician

I have decided to keep a full journal, in the hope that my life will perhaps seem more interesting when it is written down.

Sue Townsend 1946–2014 English writer, as Adrian Mole

I always say, keep a diary and some day it’ll keep you.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Dictionaries

Like Webster’s Dictionary, we’re Morocco bound.

Johnny Burke 1908–64 American songwriter