A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

The greatest masterpiece in literature is only a dictionary out of order.

Jean Cocteau 1889–1963 French dramatist and film director

Lexicographer. A writer of dictionaries, a harmless drudge.

Samuel Johnson 1709–84 English poet, critic, and lexicographer

on dictionaries:

Defining what is unknown in terms of something equally unknown.

Flann O’Brien 1911–66 Irish novelist and journalist

I’ve been in Who’s Who, and I know what’s what, but it’ll be the first time I ever made the dictionary.

Mae West 1892–1980 American actress, on having an inflatable life jacket named after her

Diets

The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.

Julia Child 1912–2004 American cook

I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.

Tommy Cooper 1921–84 British comedian

You die of a heart attack but so what? You die thin.

Bob Geldof 1954– Irish rock musician, on the Atkins diet

I’m of the pie-eaters’ liberation front. I’m fat and proud to be fat.

Boris Johnson 1964– British Conservative politician

Diets are like boyfriends—it never works to go back to them.

Nigella Lawson 1960– British journalist and cookery writer

Life, if you’re fat, is a minefield—you have to pick your way, otherwise you blow up.

Miriam Margolyes 1941– British-born actress

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favourite food is seconds.

Joan Rivers 1933–2014 American comedienne

EDINA: You are what you eat remember, darling.

SAFFY: Which would make you a large vegetarian tart.

Jennifer Saunders 1958– English actress and writer

Little snax,

Bigger slax.

Ruth S. Schenley American writer

Free your mind, and your bottom will follow.

Sarah, Duchess of York 1959– , slimming advice

Diplomacy

see alsoPOLITICS

American diplomacy. It’s like watching somebody trying to do joinery with a chainsaw.

James Hamilton-Paterson 1941– English writer

Kissinger brought peace to Vietnam the same way Napoleon brought peace to Europe: by losing.

Joseph Heller 1923–99 American novelist

Diplomacy—lying in state.

Oliver Herford 1863–1935 English-born American humorist

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Henry Kissinger 1923– American politician

on the life of a Foreign Secretary:

Forever poised between a cliché and an indiscretion.

Harold Macmillan 1894–1986 British Conservative statesman

The French are masters of ‘the dog ate my homework’ school of diplomatic relations.

P. J. O’Rourke 1947– American humorous writer

The chief distinction of a diplomat is that he can say no in such a way that it sounds like yes.

Lester Bowles Pearson 1897–1972 Canadian statesman

There is a story that when Mrs Thatcher first met Gorbachev he gave her a ball-point and she offered him Labour-voting Scotland.

Nicholas Shakespeare 1957– British writer

A diplomat ... is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Caskie Stinnett 1911–98 American writer

An ambassador is an honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country.

Henry Wotton 1568–1639 English poet and diplomat

Discontent

seeSATISFACTIONand Discontent

Divorce

see alsoMARRIAGE

It was partially my fault that we got divorced ... I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor 1917–2016 Hungarian-born film actress

A TV host asked my wife, ‘Have you ever considered divorce?’ She replied: ‘Divorce never, murder often.’

Charlton Heston 1924–2008 American actor

on how he and his wife managed to stay married for 33 years:

Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.

Bruce Paltrow 1943–2002 American film producer

Love the quest; marriage the conquest; divorce the inquest.

Helen Rowland 1875–1950 American writer

advice to wronged wives:

Don’t get mad, get everything.

Ivana Trump 1949– Czech former wife of Donald Trump

Dogs

seeCATSand Dogs

Doubt

seeCERTAINTYand Doubt

Dreams

seeSLEEPand Dreams

Dress

If my jeans could talk they’d plead for mercy.

Phyllis Diller 1917–2012 American actress

You should never have your best trousers on when you go out to fight for freedom and truth.

Henrik Ibsen 1828–1906 Norwegian dramatist