A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

when a waiter at Buckingham Palace spilled soup on her dress:

Never darken my Dior again!

Beatrice Lillie 1894–1989 Canadian-born comedienne

A woman’s dress should be like a barbed wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.

Sophia Loren 1934– Italian actress

There is something silly about a man who wears a white suit all the time, especially in New York.

Norman Mailer 1923–2007 American novelist and essayist, of Tom Wolfe

on being asked what she wore in bed:

Chanel No. 5.

Marilyn Monroe 1926–62 American actress

The only really firm rule of taste about cross dressing is that neither sex should ever wear anything they haven’t yet figured out how to go to the bathroom in.

P. J. O’Rourke 1947– American humorous writer

A dress has no meaning unless it makes a man want to take it off.

Françoise Sagan 1935–2004 French novelist

We know Jesus can’t have been English. He is always wearing sandals, but never with socks.

Linda Smith 1958–2006 British comedian

She wore far too much rouge last night, and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Drink

see alsoDRUNKENNESS, WINE

One reason why I don’t drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time.

Nancy Astor 1879–1964 American-born British Conservative politician

I saw a notice which said ‘Drink Canada Dry’ and I’ve just started.

Brendan Behan 1923–64 Irish dramatist

on being told that the particular drink he was consuming was slow poison:

So who’s in a hurry?

Robert Benchley 1889–1945 American humorist

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

on being invited by a friend to dine at a Middle Eastern restaurant:

The aftertaste of foreign food spoils the clean, pure flavour of gin for hours.

Eddie Condon 1905–73 American jazz musician

when seriously ill and given a blood transfusion:

This must be Fats Waller’s blood. I’m getting high.

Eddie Condon 1905–73 American jazz musician

Sure I eat what I advertise. Sure I eat Wheaties for breakfast. A good bowl of Wheaties with Bourbon can’t be beat.

Dizzy Dean 1910–74 American baseball player

I understand that absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.

Ernest Dowson 1867–1900 English poet

A man shouldn’t fool with booze until he’s fifty; then he’s a damn fool if he doesn’t.

William Faulkner 1897–1962 American novelist

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

W. C. Fields 1880–1946 American humorist

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake—which I also keep handy.

W. C. Fields 1880–1946 American humorist

There is no such thing as a small whisky.

Oliver St John Gogarty 1878–1957 Irish writer and surgeon

HOMER SIMPSON: To alcohol! The cause of ... and solution to ... all of life’s problems.

Matt Groening 1954– American humorist and satirist

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

Chelsea Handler 1975– American comedienne and writer

We drink one another’s healths, and spoil our own.

Jerome K. Jerome 1859–1927 English writer

Claret is the liquor for boys; port, for men; but he who aspires to be a hero (smiling) must drink brandy.

Samuel Johnson 1709–84 English poet, critic, and lexicographer

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Joe E. Lewis 1902–71 American comedian

Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whisky makes it go round twice as fast.

Compton Mackenzie 1883–1972 English novelist

Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer and denies you the beer to cry into.

Don Marquis 1878–1937 American poet and journalist

I’d hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that’s as good as you’re going to feel all day.

Dean Martin 1917–95 American singer and actor

I’m only a beer teetotaller, not a champagne teetotaller.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

Alcohol ... enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

when told that drinking would ruin the coat of his stomach:

Then my stomach must digest its waistcoat.