A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Julian Clary 1959– English comedian

Mad dogs and Englishmen

Go out in the midday sun.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

Very flat, Norfolk.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

Even crushed against his brother in the Tube, the average Englishman pretends desperately that he is alone.

Germaine Greer 1939– Australian feminist

The English never smash in a face. They merely refrain from asking it to dinner.

Margaret Halsey 1910–97 American writer

My parents were English. We were too poor to be British.

Bob Hope 1903–2003 American comedian, on his British origins

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

Jackie Mason 1931– American comedian

An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.

George Mikes 1912–87 Hungarian-born writer

It is hard to tell where the MCC ends and the Church of England begins.

J. B. Priestley 1894–1984 English novelist, dramatist, and critic

An Englishman thinks he is moral when he is only uncomfortable.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

Wensleydale lies between Tuesleydale and Thursleydale.

Arthur Smith 1954– English comedian

You should study the Peerage, Gerald ... It is the best thing in fiction the English have ever done.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

I did a picture in England one winter and it was so cold I almost got married.

Shelley Winters 1922–2006 American actress

Epitaphs

see alsoDEATH

invited to write his own epitaph:

He finally met his deadline.

Douglas Adams 1952–2001 English science fiction writer

on the death of US President Warren G. Harding:

The only man, woman or child who wrote a simple declarative sentence with seven grammatical errors is dead.

e. e. cummings 1894–1962 American poet

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

W. C. Fields 1880–1946 American humorist

epitaph for a waiter:

By and by

God caught his eye.

David McCord 1897–1997 American poet

Here lies Spike Milligan. I told you I was ill.

Spike Milligan 1918–2002 Irish comedian, his chosen epitaph

Excuse My Dust.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

when asked what he would like to see on his tombstone:

Keep off the grass.

Peter Ustinov 1921–2004 British actor, director, and writer

I always thought I’d like my tombstone to be blank. No epitaph, and no name. Well, actually I’d like it to say ‘figment’.

Andy Warhol 1927–87 American artist

Examinations

Truth is no more at issue in an examination than thirst at a wine-tasting or fashion at a striptease.

Alan Bennett 1934– English dramatist and actor

He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.

Les Dawson 1934–93 English comedian

I evidently knew more about economics than my examiners.

John Maynard Keynes 1883–1946 English economist, explaining why he performed badly in the Civil Service examinations

In examinations those who do not wish to know ask questions of those who cannot tell.

Walter Raleigh 1861–1922 English lecturer and critic

Do not on any account attempt to write on both sides of the paper at once.

W. C. Sellar 1898–1951 and R. J. Yeatman 1898–1968 British writers

Whistler had been found ‘deficient in chemistry’ in a West Point examination:

Had silicon been a gas, I would have been a major-general by now.

James McNeill Whistler 1834–1903 American-born painter

Excuses

seeAPOLOGY

Exercise

I’d love to go to the gym, but I just can’t get my head around the footwear.

Victoria Beckham 1974– British pop singer

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Erma Bombeck 1927–96 American humorist

on exercise:

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Phyllis Diller 1917–2012 American actress

Exercise is the yuppie version of bulimia.

Barbara Ehrenreich 1941– American sociologist and writer

For exercise, I wind my watch.

Robert Maxwell 1923–91 Czech-born British publisher

The only exercise I take is walking behind the coffins of friends who took exercise.

Peter O’Toole 1932–2013 British actor

If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers 1933–2014 American comedienne