A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Billy Wilder 1906–2002 American screenwriter and director

The Family

see alsoCHILDREN, PARENTS

And my parents finally realize that I’m kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found us in bed together.

Lenny Bruce 1925–66 American comedian

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children.

Clarence Darrow 1857–1938 American lawyer

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres 1958– American comedian and actress

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

Nora Ephron 1941–2012 American screenwriter and director

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett 1924–2003 American comedian

MIRANDA: Good morning Mum how are you?

PENNY: Don’t get emotional, we’re not Spanish.

Miranda Hart 1972– English comedian

A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.

Mary Karr 1955– American poet

We kept Mommy on a pedestal—it was the only way we could keep Daddy off her.

Dolly Parton 1946– American singer and songwriter, of family life as one of twelve children

If a man’s character is to be abused, say what you will, there’s nobody like a relation to do the business.

William Makepeace Thackeray 1811–63 English novelist

I suppose that the high-water mark of my youth in Columbus, Ohio, was the night the bed fell on my father.

James Thurber 1894–1961 American humorist

Familiarity breeds contempt—and children.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Wherever my dad is now, he’s looking down on me ... not because he’s dead but because he is very condescending.

Jack Whitehall 1988– British comedian

To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

It is no use telling me that there are bad aunts and good aunts. At the core, they are all alike. Sooner or later, out pops the cloven hoof.

P. G. Wodehouse 1881–1975 English-born writer

Family Life

The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

Bill Cosby 1937– American comedian and actor

The awe and dread with which the untutored savage contemplates his mother-in-law are amongst the most familiar facts of anthropology.

James George Frazer 1854–1941 Scottish anthropologist

A man ... is so in the way in the house!

Elizabeth Gaskell 1810–65 English novelist

I was decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.

Harry Hill 1964– English comedian

Living with a teenage daughter is like living under the Taliban. Mothers are not allowed to dance, sing, flirt, laugh loudly or wear short skirts.

Kathy Lette 1958– Australian writer

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

Sam Levenson 1911–80 American humorist

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers 1933–2014 American comedienne

There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Jerry Seinfeld 1954– American comedian

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Children and zip fasteners do not respond to force ... Except occasionally.

Katharine Whitehorn 1928– English journalist

After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Fashion

see alsoDRESS

It is totally impossible to be well dressed in cheap shoes.

Hardy Amies 1909–2003 English fashion designer

I never cared for fashion much. Amusing little seams and witty little pleats. It was the girls I liked.

David Bailey 1938– English photographer

of Dior’s New Look:

Clothes by a man who doesn’t know women, never had one, and dreams of being one!

Coco Chanel 1883–1971 French fashion designer

Saint Laurent has excellent taste. The more he copies me, the better taste he displays.

Coco Chanel 1883–1971 French fashion designer

Wearing underwear is as formal as I ever hope to get.

Ernest Hemingway 1899–1961 American novelist

My only complaint about having a father in fashion is that every time I’m about to go to bed with a guy I have to look at my dad’s name all over his underwear.