A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

James Carville 1944– American political consultant, slogan on a sign put up at the Clinton presidential campaign headquarters

I never could make out what those damned dots meant.

Lord Randolph Churchill 1849–94 British Conservative politician, on decimal points

Not all Germans believe in God, but they all believe in the Bundesbank.

Jacques Delors 1925– French socialist politician

Balancing the budget is like going to heaven. Everybody wants to do it, but nobody wants to do what you have to do to get there.

Phil Gramm 1942– American Republican politician

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.

Frank McKinney Hubbard 1868–1930 American humorist

claiming to have been the first person to explain monetarism to Margaret Thatcher:

It makes one feel like the geography teacher who showed a map of the world to Genghis Khan.

Peter Jay 1937– British economist

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today

Laurence J. Peter 1919–90 Canadian writer

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.

Ezra Solomon 1920–2002 Burmese-born American economist

Education

see alsoACADEMIC, EXAMINATIONS

I read Shakespeare and the Bible and I can shoot dice. That’s what I call a liberal education.

Tallulah Bankhead 1903–68 American actress

I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up.

Lenny Bruce 1925–66 American comedian

Life isn’t like coursework, baby. It’s one damn essay crisis after another.

Boris Johnson 1964– British Conservative politician

Take up car maintenance and find the class is full of other thirty-something women like me, looking for a fella.

Marian Keyes 1963– Irish writer

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Fran Lebowitz 1950– American writer

At school I never minded the lessons. I just resented having to work terribly hard at playing.

John Mortimer 1923–2009 English writer and barrister

GROUCHO MARX: With a little study you’ll go a long way, and I wish you’d start now.

S. J. Perelman 1904–79 American humorist, in the film Monkey Business

You can’t expect a boy to be vicious till he’s been to a good school.

Saki 1870–1916 Scottish writer

For every person who wants to teach there are approximately thirty who don’t want to learn—much.

W. C. Sellar 1898–1951 and R. J. Yeatman 1898–1968 British writers

Me havin’ no education, I had to use my brains.

Bill Shankly 1913–81 Scottish footballer and football manager

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

Educ: during the holidays from Eton.

Osbert Sitwell 1892–1969 English writer

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Enemies

The Bible tells us to love our neighbours and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

G. K. Chesterton 1874–1936 English essayist, novelist, and poet

What are parties given for in London but that enemies may meet?

Henry James 1843–1916 American novelist

People wish their enemies dead—but I do not; I say give them the gout, give them the stone!

Lady Mary Wortley Montagu 1689–1762 English writer

asked on his deathbed if he forgave his enemies:

I have none. I had them all shot.

Ramón María Narváez 1800–68 Spanish general

I find that forgiving one’s enemies is a most curious morbid pleasure; perhaps I should check it.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

England

see alsoBRITISH, TOWNS

The North, where England tucks its shirt in its underpants.

Simon Armitage 1963– English poet

I’m English and as such crave disappointment.

Bill Bailey 1964– English comedian

I only said the English weren’t famous for sex, that’s all. Like the Boat Race, in out, in out, in out, then everyone collapsed over their oars.

Julian Barnes 1946– English novelist

The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.

Thomas Beecham 1879–1961 English conductor

The English like eccentrics. They just don’t like them living next door.