A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart: the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

He [Bernard Shaw] hasn’t an enemy in the world, and none of his friends like him.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Funerals

said at the funeral of the escapologist Harry Houdini, while carrying his coffin:

I bet you a hundred bucks he ain’t in here.

Charles Bancroft Dillingham 1868–1934 American theatrical manager

You can’t get buried quickly at Bexhill on Sea—it’s like getting a table at the Caprice.

David Hare 1947– English dramatist

At his funeral in Omaha he filled the church to capacity. He was a draw right to the finish.

Jack Hurley, after the death of the boxer Vince Foster

fax sent to Harry Secombe:

I hope you go before me because I don’t want you singing at my funeral.

Spike Milligan 1918–2002 Irish comedian

I have nothing against undertakers personally. It’s just that I wouldn’t want one to bury my sister.

Jessica Mitford 1917–96 British writer

on the crowds attending the funeral of the movie tycoon Harry Cohn:

Well, it only proves what they always say—give the public something they want to see, and they’ll come out for it.

Red Skelton 1913–97 American comedian

The Future

seePAST,Present, and Future

Gambling

seeBETTINGand Gambling

Games

seeSPORTSand Games

Gardens

A delectable sward, shaved as close as a bridegroom and looking just as green.

Basil Boothroyd 1910–88 English humorist

Eleven months’ hard work and one month’s acute disappointment.

John Heathcoat-Amory, on gardening

All really grim gardeners possess a keen sense of humus.

W. C. Sellar 1898–1951 and R. J. Yeatman 1898–1968 British writers

A flower is a weed with an advertising budget.

Rory Sutherland 1965– British advertising executive

What a man needs in gardening is a cast iron back, with a hinge in it.

Charles Dudley Warner 1829–1900 American writer

Perennials are the ones that grow like weeds, biennials are the ones that die this year instead of next and hardy annuals are the ones that never come up at all.

Katharine Whitehorn 1928– English journalist

The Generation Gap

on the similarities between teenagers and their grandparents:

They’re both on drugs, they both detest you, and neither of them has a job.

Jasper Carrott 1945– English comedian

What’s the point in growing old if you can’t hound and persecute the young?

Kenneth Clarke 1940– British Conservative politician

It is the one war in which everyone changes sides.

Cyril Connolly 1903–74 English writer

When I was young, the old regarded me as an outrageous young fellow, and now that I’m old the young regard me as an outrageous old fellow.

Fred Hoyle 1915–2001 English astrophysicist

There is more felicity on the far side of baldness than young men can possibly imagine.

Logan Pearsall Smith 1865–1946 American-born man of letters

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Gifts

To a woman, having flowers sent to her is thoughtful. To a man, sending flowers is a way of being thoughtful without putting any thought in to it.

Roy Blount Jr 1941– American writer

I kinda like it when you forget to give me presents. It makes me feel like we’re married.

Abe Burrows 1910–85 American librettist

Mrs Thatcher tells us she has given the French president a piece of her mind ... not a gift I would receive with alacrity.

Denis Healey 1917–2015 British Labour politician

Ever since Eve gave Adam the apple, there has been a misunderstanding between the sexes about gifts.

Nan Robertson 1926–2009 American journalist

From my experience of life I believe my personal motto should be ‘Beware of men bearing flowers.’

Muriel Spark 1918–2006 British novelist

on ex-husband Rod Stewart:

What do you give to the man who’s had everyone?

Alana Stewart 1945– American actress

God

see alsoRELIGION

If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor