A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

I hope there’s a tinge of disgrace about me. Hopefully, there’s one good scandal left in me yet.

Diana Rigg 1938– British actress

No one gossips about other people’s secret virtues.

Bertrand Russell 1872–1970 British philosopher and mathematician

Here is the whole set! a character dead at every word.

Richard Brinsley Sheridan 1751–1816 Irish dramatist and Whig politician

Gossip is just news running ahead of itself in a red satin dress.

Liz Smith 1923–2017 American journalist

It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about, nowadays, saying things against one behind one’s back that are absolutely and entirely true.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Government

see alsoDEMOCRACY, POLITICS

The first requirement of a statesman is that he be dull.

Dean Acheson 1893–1971 American politician

Democracy means government by the uneducated, while aristocracy means government by the badly educated.

G. K. Chesterton 1874–1936 English essayist, novelist, and poet

‘Do you pray for the senators, Dr Hale?’ ‘No, I look at the senators and I pray for the country.’

Edward Everett Hale 1822–1909 American Unitarian clergyman

People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.

A. P. Herbert 1890–1971 English writer and humorist

Office hours are from 12 to 1 with an hour off for lunch.

George S. Kaufman 1889–1961 American dramatist, of the US Senate

I work for a Government I despise for ends I think criminal.

John Maynard Keynes 1883–1946 English economist

How is the world ruled and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists and then believe what they read.

Karl Kraus 1874–1936 Austrian satirist

on suggestions that the US should draft a Constitution for Iraq:

We might as well give them ours. We aren’t using it.

Jay Leno 1950– American comedian

One of these days the people of Louisiana are going to get good government—and they aren’t going to like it.

Huey Long 1893–1935 American Democratic politician

I don’t want to abolish government. I simply want to reduce it to the size where I can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub.

Grover Norquist 1956– American lobbyist

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’

Ronald Reagan 1911–2004 American Republican statesman

When you stop being a minister, you get in the back of the car and it doesn’t go anywhere.

Malcolm Rifkind 1946– British Conservative politician

Are you labouring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

Franklin D. Roosevelt 1882–1945 American Democratic statesman

We all know that Prime Ministers are wedded to the truth, but like other married couples they sometimes live apart.

Saki 1870–1916 Scottish writer

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

It’s a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one’s safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract.

Alan Shepard 1923–98 American astronaut

I don’t mind how much my Ministers talk, so long as they do what I say.

Margaret Thatcher 1925–2013 British Conservative stateswoman

of his first Cabinet meeting as Prime Minister:

An extraordinary affair. I gave them their orders and they wanted to stay and discuss them.

Duke of Wellington 1769–1852 British soldier and statesman

Hair

when asked by his barber how he would like his hair cut:

In silence.

Archelaus d. 399 BC Macedonian king

Libby ... was what we used to call a ‘suicide blonde’ (dyed by her own hand).

Saul Bellow 1915–2005 American novelist

I have learned—and this may be the most important thing I say to you today—hair matters. Pay attention to your hair, because everyone else will.

Hillary Rodham Clinton 1947– American lawyer and politician

Not having to worry about your hair any more is the secret upside of death.

Nora Ephron 1941–2012 American screenwriter and director

Ronald Reagan doesn’t dye his hair, he’s just prematurely orange.

Gerald Ford 1909–2006 American Republican statesman

A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.

Oliver Herford 1863–1935 English-born American humorist

Handwriting