A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Earl Wilson 1907–87 American journalist

Hospitality

seePARTIESand Hospitality

Housework

WIFE: Cooking! Cleaning! Why should women do it?

HUSBAND: You’re quite right—let’s get an au pair girl.

Mel Calman 1931–94 English cartoonist

Conran’s Law of Housework—it expands to fill the time available plus half an hour.

Shirley Conran 1932– English writer

There was no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn’t get any worse.

Quentin Crisp 1908–99 English writer

The graveyards are full of women whose houses were so spotless you could eat off the floor. Remember the second wife always has a maid.

Heloise Cruse 1919–77 American writer

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller 1917–2012 American actress

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing.

Phyllis Diller 1917–2012 American actress

The worst thing about work in the house or home is that whatever you do it is destroyed, laid waste or eaten within twenty-four hours.

Alexandra Hasluck 1908–93 Australian writer

All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers 1933–2014 American comedienne

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

Eleanor Roosevelt 1884–1962 American humanitarian and diplomat

It looks different when you’re sober. I thought I had twice as much furniture.

Neil Simon 1927– American dramatist

Hatred of domestic work is a natural and admirable result of civilization.

Rebecca West 1892–1983 English novelist and journalist

When it comes to housework the one thing no book of household management can ever tell you is how to begin. Or maybe I mean why.

Katharine Whitehorn 1928– English journalist

Everything’s getting on top of me. I can’t switch off. I’ve got a self-cleaning oven—I have to get up in the night to see if it’s doing it.

Victoria Wood 1953–2016 British writer and comedienne

The Human Race

We are all here on Earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

W. H. Auden 1907–73 English poet

Well, of course, people are only human ... But it really does not seem much for them to be.

Ivy Compton-Burnett 1884–1969 English novelist

Human beings can get used to virtually anything, given plenty of time and no choice in the matter whatsoever.

Tom Holt 1961– English novelist

All God’s children are not beautiful. Most of God’s children are, in fact, barely presentable.

Fran Lebowitz 1950– American writer

Man is one of the toughest of animated creatures. Only the anthrax bacillus can stand so unfavourable an environment for so long a time.

H. L. Mencken 1880–1956 American journalist and literary critic

People differ. Some object to the fan dancer, and others to the fan.

Elizabeth W. Spalding

I’m dealing in rock’n’roll. I’m, like, I’m not a bona fide human being.

Phil Spector 1940– American record producer and songwriter

The only man who wasn’t spoilt by being lionized was Daniel.

Herbert Beerbohm Tree 1852–1917 English actor-manager

Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.

Horace Walpole 1717–97 English writer and connoisseur

The real problem of humanity is the following: we have Paleolithic emotions, medieval institutions, and god-like technology.

Edward O. Wilson 1929– American sociobiologist

Humour

see alsoWIT

The marvellous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

Ronnie Barker 1929–2005 English comedian

Mark my words, when a society has to resort to the lavatory for its humour, the writing is on the wall.

Alan Bennett 1934– English dramatist and actor

I worked for a while as a stripper—that’s when I realised I had a flair for comedy.

Jeanine Burnier American comedienne

Good jests ought to bite like lambs, not dogs: they should cut, not wound.

Charles II 1630–85 British king

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

George Eliot 1819–80 English novelist

What do you mean, funny? Funny-peculiar or funny ha-ha?

Ian Hay 1876–1952 Scottish novelist and dramatist

The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.

E. W. Howe 1853–1937 American novelist and editor