A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

TONY HANCOCK: Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain?

Ray Galton 1930– and Alan Simpson 1929–2017 English scriptwriters

The Cavaliers (Wrong but Wromantic) and the Roundheads (Right but Repulsive).

W. C. Sellar 1898–1951 and R. J. Yeatman 1898–1968 British writers

AMERICA was thus clearly top nation, and History came to a .

W. C. Sellar 1898–1951 and R. J. Yeatman 1898–1968 British writers

SWINDON: What will history say?

BURGOYNE: History, sir, will tell lies as usual.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

History is about arrogance, vanity and vapidity—who better than me to present it?

David Starkey 1945– English historian

Like most of those who study history, he [Napoleon III] learned from the mistakes of the past how to make new ones.

A. J. P. Taylor 1906–90 British historian

on being asked what would have happened in 1963, had Khrushchev and not Kennedy been assassinated:

With history one can never be certain, but I think I can safely say that Aristotle Onassis would not have married Mrs Khrushchev.

Gore Vidal 1925–2012 American novelist and critic

The one duty we owe to history is to rewrite it.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

History started badly and hav been geting steadily worse.

Geoffrey Willans 1911–58 and Ronald Searle 1920–2011 English humorous writers

Holidays

see alsoWORK

There’s sand in the porridge and sand in the bed,

And if this is pleasure we’d rather be dead.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

After all, the best part of a holiday is perhaps not so much to be resting yourself, as to see all the other fellows busy working.

Kenneth Grahame 1859–1932 Scottish-born writer

supposedly quoting a letter from a Tyrolean landlord:

Standing among savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French widow in every bedroom, affording delightful prospects.

Gerard Hoffnung 1925–59 German-born artist and musician

Twenty-four hour room service generally refers to the length of time that it takes for the club sandwich to arrive.

Fran Lebowitz 1950– American writer

I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror.

Flann O’Brien 1911–66 Irish novelist and journalist

The great advantage of a hotel is that it’s a refuge from home life.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

I like to have exciting evenings on holiday, because after you’ve spent 8 hours reading on the beach you don’t feel like turning in early with a good book.

Arthur Smith 1954– English comedian

Hollywood

see alsoCINEMA

Hollywood is the only place in the world where an amicable divorce means each one gets 50 per cent of the publicity.

Lauren Bacall 1924–2014 American actress

Hollywood is the only place on earth where you can get stabbed in the back while you’re climbing a ladder.

William Faulkner 1897–1962 American novelist

Every country gets the circus it deserves. Spain gets bullfights. Italy gets the Catholic Church. America Hollywood.

Erica Jong 1942– American novelist

Lunch Hollywood-style—a hot dog and vintage wine.

Harry Kurnitz 1907–68 American dramatist

Behind the phoney tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.

Oscar Levant 1906–72 American pianist

Working for Warner Bros is like fucking a porcupine: it’s a hundred pricks against one.

Wilson Mizner 1876–1933 American dramatist

Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.

Marilyn Monroe 1926–62 American actress

Gandhi was everything the voting members of the Academy would like to be: moral, tanned and thin.

Joe Morgenstern 1932– American film critic

Hollywood money isn’t money. It’s congealed snow, melts in your hand, and there you are.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

This is the biggest electric train any boy ever had!

Orson Welles 1915–85 American actor and film director

Honours

seeAWARDSand Honours

Hope and Despair

see alsoOPTIMISM

Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.

Jean Kerr 1923–2003 American writer

‘Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed’ was the ninth beatitude.

Alexander Pope 1688–1744 English poet

Despair is a black leather jacket that everyone looks good in. Hope is a frilly, pink dress that exposes the knees.

Rebecca Solnit 1961– American writer