A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

J. M. Barrie 1860–1937 Scottish writer and dramatist

to H. G. Wells:

It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you wag your ears?

J. M. Barrie 1860–1937 Scottish writer and dramatist

Genius is one per cent inspiration, ninety-nine per cent perspiration.

Thomas Alva Edison 1847–1931 American inventor

Probably the greatest concentration of talent and genius in this house except for perhaps those times when Thomas Jefferson ate alone.

John F. Kennedy 1917–63 American Democratic statesman, of a dinner for Nobel Prizewinners at the White House

I think, therefore I am is the statement of an intellectual who underrates toothaches.

Milan Kundera 1929– Czech novelist

She does not understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thinks we just fought World War Eleven.

Joan Rivers 1933–2014 American comedienne

What is a highbrow? He is a man who has found something more interesting than women.

Edgar Wallace 1875–1932 English thriller writer

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

I know I’ve got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I’ve got a life-saving certificate but I don’t spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

Victoria Wood 1953–2016 British writer and comedienne

The Internet

seeCOMPUTERSand the Internet

Ireland and the Irish

see alsoCOUNTRIES

We’ve never been cool, we’re hot. Irish people are Italians who can’t dress, Jamaicans who can’t dance.

Bono 1960– Irish rock star

Where would the Irish be without someone to be Irish at?

Elizabeth Bowen 1899–1973 British novelist and short-story writer, born in Ireland

In some parts of Ireland the sleep which knows no waking is always followed by a wake which knows no sleeping.

Mary Wilson Little

I’m Irish. We think sideways.

Spike Milligan 1918–2002 Irish comedian

An Irishman’s heart is nothing but his imagination.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

denying that he was Irish:

Because a man is born in a stable, that does not make him a horse.

Duke of Wellington 1769–1852 British soldier and statesman

Jewellery

Every engagement ring should have at least one diamond or there is something very wrong—with the ring and the relationship.

Francis Boulle 1988– British businessman

Don’t ever wear artistic jewellery; it wrecks a woman’s reputation.

Colette 1873–1954 French novelist

You’ve got so much ice on your hands I could skate on them.

John Curry 1949–94 British skater, to Liberace

I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back.

Zsa Zsa Gabor 1917–2016 Hungarian-born actress

A diamond is the only kind of ice that keeps a girl warm.

Elizabeth Taylor 1932–2011 English-born American actress

Big girls need big diamonds.

Elizabeth Taylor 1932–2011 English-born American actress, originally said by the 6 foot tall American model Margaux Hemingway in the 1970s, and later much associated with Taylor

Journalism

see alsoNEWSPAPERS

When a dog bites a man, that is not news, because it happens so often. But if a man bites a dog, that is news.

John B. Bogart 1848–1921 American journalist

I’ve been watching the TV News for forty years. It hasn’t got any better.

Michele Brown 1947– British writer and publisher

Let’s face it, sports writers, we’re not hanging around with brain surgeons.

Jimmy Cannon 1910–73 American journalist

When seagulls follow a trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.

Eric Cantona 1966– French footballer, at a press conference

Journalism largely consists in saying ‘Lord Jones Dead’ to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

G. K. Chesterton 1874–1936 English essayist, novelist, and poet

Everything is copy.

Phoebe Ephron 1914–71 American writer

News is something which somebody wants suppressed—all the rest is advertising.

William Randolph Hearst 1863–1951 American newspaper publisher and tycoon

Power without responsibility: the prerogative of the harlot throughout the ages.

Rudyard Kipling 1865–1936 English writer and poet, summing up the view of Lord Beaverbrook

If as Graham Greene said every novelist needs an icicle in his heart, a successful editor needs a small iceberg.

Ferdinand Mount 1939– British writer and politician

Comment is free but facts are on expenses.