Absent Friends

Markie jumps down, says, Come on, you guys, come on. Tom jumps, too. They both stand looking up at Jimmy.

Just before he jumps, just before he runs, Jimmy looks up through the roof beams, up at the sky, like maybe something there can help him know what to do.

The moon's gone.

BOYS' OWN BOOK

Chapter 16

Breathing Smoke

September 12, 1979

Markie, man, you're fucking crazy!

Jimmy's said these words a million times before, on the playground, in the classroom, in someone's backyard. He's saying them now, again, from the shotgun seat of Markie's car. The ragtop's down, Tom's in the back, the sun's hot even though it's early in the morning and it glitters on the water just beyond the dead end where they're parked.

Jimmy's thinking about last night. Tom and Markie are, too, Jimmy knows that, how can they think about anything else? Last night's like a huge tall building when you're standing right in front of it, it fills up the world and there's nothing else there.

Last night: Jimmy and Markie and Tom run through the woods as cop car headlights stab into the half-built houses on Coleman Road. They leave Jack on the plywood floor, to be found and photographed and taken away by men who don't like him, men whose job it is to find who killed him but who will give each other little cold smiles when they hear he's dead.

This is fucked, Jimmy says last night, when they circle around to Markie's car, the ragtop parked in the turn-off, the vinyl filled with tree shadows. I can't— He stops. He doesn't know what he can't do. Or what he can.

Yeah, says Tom. I know. Just till morning, man. Give me till morning, I have to think.

Jimmy knows what Tom's thinking about: his mom. Jack, it's too late, there's no thinking that'll help Jack now. Tom's doing what he always does, pushing right past the problem he can't solve, looking for the one he can do something about.

And Jimmy's thinking about the Job. About what Markie said would happen if anyone knew Jimmy was there when Jack got killed.

Jesus, man, Jimmy says.

But he doesn't say, No.

When Jimmy gets home, Marian's asleep. He takes a shower, pounding and cold, like sometimes at the firehouse after a run, most of the guys soaping off in hot steamy water but Jimmy thinking hot water's a lot like fire, how can it wash away what fire leaves behind? The shower he takes tonight is hard and icy, but it doesn't feel like it washes anything away.

He gets into bed very quietly. Marian turns, smiles in her sleep. He kisses her, puts his arm over her, pretends to fall asleep right away.

An hour later the phone rings.

Marian jumps, and Jimmy does, too, though as soon as he hears it, he knows he's been expecting it. Marian's eyes are worried, she watches him while he answers, because nothing good ever comes from a phone call in the middle of the night.

It's Tom. He's talking quietly, like he doesn't want anyone else to hear. The cops were here, he says.

Jimmy doesn't say anything, waits for Tom.

They came to tell me about Jack, Tom says. And Jimmy, man? Shit, Jimmy. Markie, says Tom. Markie confessed.

Jimmy is confused. He asks Tom, What are you talking about?

After he dropped you and me off, Tom says, he went back there. He told them Jack was shooting at him, and he shot at Jack just to scare him, he didn't mean to hit him, but he's a lousy shot. He said he got scared and ran but now he came back.

Wait, says Jimmy, wait.

What's Jimmy asking Tom to wait for? He doesn't know.

Tom says, They have him at the station, he's making a statement. That's what the cops said. They said he gave them the gun.

The gun? Jimmy feels stupid, he doesn't understand anything.

When he said he'd get rid of it, with the cans? He didn't. He gave it to them. He told them it's his.

Why?

Jesus, Jim. Why do you fucking think?

Shit, says Jimmy. He knows why. He wants to say, So he can be a fucking hero, so he can save your ass. And mine. This is Markie, climbing a tree without thinking how he's going to get down, like always, like always.

But Jimmy can't say this to Tom, because Marian's watching him, her eyes wide now because she knows for sure something bad's going on. Her hand is in his, like she wants to help him, like whatever the bad thing is, it'll be better if the two of them know about it together.

Jim? says Tom.

What?

Marian's there with you?

Yes, Jimmy says.

Say I called to tell you about . . . about Jack. Don't say anything else. I got to find out what's going on. I got to think, what to do.

Jimmy nods as though Tom could see him. He puts the phone down, turns to Marian, but he can't say anything, he just looks at her and then suddenly wraps his arms around her, holds her close.

She's warm, and he's so cold.

Now it's morning, the sun's pouring down on Jimmy and Markie and Tom in the car, but Jimmy's still cold.