Absent Friends

If Jack knew what Markie was doing, Jack would slap Markie on the back, say, Markie, man, I knew you had balls!

If Jack knew about this, thinks Jimmy, Jack would love it.

BOYS' OWN BOOK

Chapter 17

The Bodies of the Birds

February 16, 1980

Markie's dead.

Jimmy doesn't know what to do. It's like he knows what the words mean, but he still doesn't understand them.

Jimmy remembers hearing the words, the first time was two days ago. He remembers answering the phone, it's Sally, she's crying and telling him. He tells Marian, and the two of them run, pulling their coats on they run on the sidewalk. There's a cop at Sally's, a guy named Rosoff, Jimmy knows him a little, the way a fireman knows a cop. He came to tell Sally, and he stayed until someone could come, but he sure looks glad he can leave now.

What happened? Jimmy asks, and Sally sits there crying with Marian's arms around her and tells them. Markie got into a fight with some guy, the guy told Markie to do something and maybe Markie didn't do it fast enough or maybe he did it and that made the guy even madder, but anyway he stabbed Markie, and now Markie's dead.

Jimmy remembers that, Sally telling that story, Sally crying. He remembers everything that happened, everything everyone said, every minute all day as people came and went. Sally's family, friends, the neighbors.

Sally's mom, still some red in her gray hair, Jimmy remembers her picking up Kevin, who's all smiley and bouncy because all these people are over, Kevin likes people around. Sally's mom starts to cry, holding Kevin, and Kevin looks confused and then scared and then he cries, too.

Jimmy's answering the door, he made that his job. He opens it one time to find Tom and Vicky, Vicky brought cookies and Tom brought whiskey. Vicky comes right in the house, but Tom and Jimmy stand, one inside and one outside. Jimmy looks into Tom's eyes, eyes as blue as the sea or the sky. Sally comes up behind Jimmy, holds out her hand to Tom, he takes it and hugs her, and Jimmy stands aside, watches Tom go in.

Jimmy's in the living room, listening to everyone saying things that don't make sense. He's not drinking because he's on duty later, at least until Marian whispers to him maybe he wants to get someone to take his shift?

He doesn't, he really doesn't; what Jimmy wants more than anything is to go to the firehouse, like this was a regular day, the guys'll all be there, ragging on each other, and what Jimmy wants then is for a call to come in and all at once it's the bell and the sirens, racing onto the truck and flying through the streets to get to oily black smoke and heat like a wall. He wants water exploding out of the hose to meet the starving flames reaching out to eat you and you have to beat them back and you do, you do, and you win and it's over. And then he wants another call, and another one, because while you're battling the dragon, you have to do it, you have no time to think, and that's what he wants, because if he thinks, all he can think is: Markie's dead.

That was yesterday. Now, today, Jimmy leaves Marian at Sally's, early in the morning before the people start to come. He gives the girls time to be alone, and he goes out to the rocks under the bridge.

It's a cold day, windy, no sun, the sky's gray and the water's gray, too, just darker. Jimmy watches the ships crawl by as though he's looking for a special one, but the ships he sees, they're all black freighters, they're all the same. The gulls circle, screeching and diving. The gulls, the cold steel of the bridge, the rocks Jimmy's sitting on, everything's gray, like the water and the sky. Jimmy thinks, Goddamn you all.

Jim?

Jimmy snaps his head around.

It's Tom.

Tom stands there on the edge of the rock behind Jimmy, like he's not going to come any closer unless Jimmy says it's okay.

Jimmy doesn't say that. He doesn't say anything. He just turns back to watching the water.

For a long time there's nothing but the ships and the crying gulls. It's so long that Jimmy thinks Tom left, or maybe he was never there at all.

Then a pebble clicks along the rock, tumbles off the edge and into the water. Jimmy hears footsteps crunch, and Tom's standing beside him.

Tom unslings the canvas backpack he's carrying and he sits. Brought some coffee, he says. He takes out a Thermos, a couple of Styrofoam cups. The coffee steams as he pours. He hands a cup to Jimmy. Jimmy wraps both hands around it; he's never been this cold before.

Jim, says Tom.

At first that's all Tom says. He drinks his coffee. It's black, the way Jimmy and Tom both like it.

Jim, if you want to come clean, I won't try to stop you.

A yacht plows out under the bridge, throwing up a white trail. Who the hell's that asshole? Jimmy wonders. It's February, what's he thinking, he can just go out and have a good time on a day like this?

I'll go with you, Tom says. I'll tell the truth, everything.

Jimmy drinks his coffee.