Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни

A man wanted to buy a new pet for a Christmas present, so he went to the pet shop and asked the shop clerk what he would recommend. «Well,» the clerk said, pointing out a large bird, «we have this parrot here, and he not only talks, he sings. I\'ll show you.» The clerk then lit a match and held it under the parrot\'s right foot. Immediately, the bird began singing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way… "

«That\'s amazing,» the customer said. «What does he sing when you hold a match under his left foot?»

The clerk immediately lit a match and held it under the bird\'s left foot. The bird quickly started singing, "I\'ll have a blue, blue Christmas, without you… "

The customer couldn\'t believe what he heard. Finally he asked, «What does he do when you hold the match between his feet?»

The clerk lit a match and held it there. The bird hesitated a moment, then began singing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire… "

Words and Expressions:

pet питомец, домашнее животное или птица

to light зажигать

match спичка

customer посетитель, покупатель

blue зд. грустный, печальный

chestnut каштан

to roast жарить

for a present в качестве подарка

«Jingle Bells…» рождественская песня

«I\'ll have a blue Christmas without you…» грустная рождественская песня

open fire открытый огонь

«Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…» старинная застольная песня

Section 50 Why the little angel is at the top of the christmas tree

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.

The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad.

All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa – filled with rage – threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, «Hi, Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?»

Words and Expressions:

top макушка

annual ежегодный

trip поездка, путешествие

pants штаны

to rip разрывать(ся)

tight тесный

to check проверять

preparations приготовления

elf эльф

strike забастовка

reindeer северный олень

shin-splints перелом голени

bummed сленг расстроен, удручен, выведен из себя

to calm успокаивать

to knock стучать (в дверь)

angry сердитый, злой

state состояние

to ignore не обращать внимания

rage ярость

angel ангел

Christmas Eve канун Рождества

Santa Claus Санта Клаус

on strike бастовать

all of sudden разг. all of a sudden неожиданно

to be in no mood for sth разг. быть не в настроении для чего-л.

Section 51 I don\'t want to go

Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, «The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.»

«Oh yeah?» her young grandson replied. «So why is their dad carrying that rifle?»