Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни

There once was a little blonde girl who wore a dress to school every day and really loved jelly beans more than anything. The boys at her school decided to take full advantage of this and one day approached her and offered to give her a bag filled with 50 jelly beans if she would climb the schoolyard flagpole. She did and came back down so the boys gave her the jelly beans.

That day she came running home and yelled to her mom, «Mommy! Mommy! Today the boys at school gave me 50 jelly beans to climb the flagpole at school!»

The mother shook her head and replied, «Oh no! They just did that so they could see up your dress and see your panties! I don\'t want you to ever do this again!»

So the next day the boys offered her 100 jelly beans to climb the flagpole. She did, they gave her the jelly beans and she ran home again and said to her mother, «Mommy! Look! Today they gave me 100 jelly beans for climbing the flagpole!»

The mother got upset and told her, «They just did that so they could see your panties!!! Listen to me! I don\'t want you to ever let this happen again!»

So the next day the boys offered her 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole. She did without haste and ran home again and shouted with a wide smile on her face, «Mommy! Look! I got 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole today!»

The mother said, «What have I been telling you the past couple days?! They\'re just doing that to see your panties!»

The little girl replied still smiling widely, «I know! I know! But this time I tricked them! I didn\'t wear any!»

Words and Expressions:

blonde блондинка

to offer предлагать

to climb забираться

schoolyard школьный двор

flagpole флагшток

panties трусики

widely широко

to trick обманывать

jelly beans сорт конфет

without haste без спешки

Section 39 Grandpa and granddaughter

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, «Did God make you, Grandpa?»

«Yes, God made me,» the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, «Did God make me too?»

«Yes, He did,» the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. «You know, Grandpa,» she said, «God\'s doing a lot better job lately.»

Words and Expressions:

God Бог

reflection отражение

lately последнее время

Section 40 Gift from god

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

"Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00."

Words and Expressions:

to request просить, требовать

postal почтовый

authorities власти

to receive получать

President президент

to touch трогать (тж. перен. )

to amuse забавлять

to instruct инструктировать, делать распоряжения

however тем не менее, вместе с тем

Washington D.C. адрес почтового округа «Вашингтон, округ Колумбия»

bastard ублюдок

to deduct фин. вычитать

to want sth badly сильно хотеть чего-л.

to appear to be казаться

to be delighted быть обрадованным

a thank you note разг. письмо с благодарностью

for some reason по той или иной причине

as usual разг. как обычно

Section 41 Learning to swear

A seven-year-old and his four-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The seven-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them learn to swear. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the seven-year-old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I\'ll say \'hell\' and you say \'ass\' ". The four-year-old happily agrees.