Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни

As the boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The seven-year-old replies, «Aw hell, mom, I\'ll just have some cornflakes.»

WHACK!

The seven-year-old runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.

With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son,

«And what would YOU like for breakfast?»

«I don\'t know!» the four-year-old blubbers. «But you can bet your ass it\'s not gonna be cornflakes!»

Words and Expressions:

to swear ругаться

enthusiastically с энтузиазмом

hell ад; черт!

cornflakes кукурузные хлопья

WHACK ! Бац!

to bawl громко вопить

to rub потирать

behind разг. зад

to blubber реветь

to bet биться об заклад, ставить на кон

Section 42 Career day at school

It\'s career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parents would do if they were here today.

Little Rodney stands up and says," My father is an accountant, A-C–C-O-U-N-T-A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook."

«Good Rodney,» says the teacher. «How about you, Johnny?»

Johnny stands up and stammers, "My father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no … L-E-C-H-

no… "

The teacher interrupts, «Never mind, Johnny, sit down. How about you, Vinnie?»

Vinnie stands up and says, «My dad\'s a bookie, that\'s B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he\'d give you ten to one odds that there\'s no way Johnny\'s ever gonna spell electrician!»

Words and Expressions:

career карьера, профессия

to state утверждать, заявлять

occupation род занятий

to spell произносить по буквам

accountant бухгалтер

to balance фин. сводить счеты, выводить баланс

checkbook чековая книжка

to stammer заикаться, лепетать

electrician электрик

bookie разг . bookmaker букмейкер

odds разница, преимущество

he\'d give you ten to one odds он даст вам десять против одного

Section 43 Better grades

The little boy wasn\'t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don\'t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don\'t get better grades… somebody is going to get a spanking… "

Words and Expressions:

to tap похлопать (по плечу)

shoulder плечо

to scare пугать

grade оценка, отметка

to spank шлепать

to get a spanking получить нахлобучку, шлепки

Section 44 Circumcised

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, «Your thing doesn\'t have any skin on it!»

«Well, I\'ve been circumcised,» answered the other one. «Huh, what\'s that mean?» asked the first boy. «It means they cut the skin off the end,» said the second one. The first boy was very puzzled, «How old were you when it was cut off?»

The second boy replied, «My Mom said I was only two days old.»

«Wow, did it hurt?» the first boy wondered. The second boy responded without hesitation, «You bet it hurt… I couldn\'t walk for a year!»

Words and Expressions:

to circumcise мед. обрезать

potty сленг туалет, обычно детский

to pee разг. писать

skin кожа

hurt болеть, ранить, причинять боль

You bet it hurt… Бьюсь об заклад, болело…

Section 45 Of little johnny

I.   Teacher: Didn\'t you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn\'t I promise to punish you if you didn\'t?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn\'t have to keep yours.

II.   Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I\'m little Johnny.

III.   Teacher: Little Johnny, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

IV.   Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn\'t do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Little Johnny: Good, because I didn\'t do my homework.

V.   Teacher: I hope I didn\'t see you looking at Don\'s paper.

Little Johnny: I hope you didn\'t either.

VI.   Little Johnny: I don\'t think I deserve a zero on this test.

Teacher: I agree, but it\'s the lowest mark I can give you.