Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Go to Hell!

Three men died in a car accident (три человека погибли в автомобильной аварии) and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates (и встретили самого Иисуса у жемчужных ворот).

The Lord spoke unto them saying (Бог обратился к ним, говоря; unto = to /высок., поэтич./), "I will ask you each a simple question (я задам вам каждому простой вопрос). If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven (если вы скажете правду, я пущу вас в рай; to allow — позволять), but if you lie… (но если вы солжете) Hell is waiting for you (ад вас дожидается, ждет вас)."

To the first (первого) man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? (сколько раз ты обманывал свою жену)"

The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband (я был хорошим мужем). I never (никогда) cheated on my wife."

The Lord replied, "Very good! (очень хорошо) Not only will I allow you in (я не только позволю тебе войти), but for being faithful to your wife (но за верность жене; faithful — верный; faith — вера) I will give you a huge mansion (огромный особняк) and a limo (лимузин) for your transportation."

To the second (второго) man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice (дважды)."

The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness (неверность), you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW (ты получишь дом с четырьмя спальнями и БMВ)."

To the third (третьего) man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times (около восьми раз)."

The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment (однокомнатную квартиру), and a Yugo for your transportation."

A couple hours later (пару часов спустя) the second and third men saw (увидели /to see — saw — seen/) the first man crying his eyes out (горько рыдающим: "выплакивающим свои глаза").

"Why (почему) are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!"

The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago (я плачу, потому что видел свою жену некоторое время назад), and she was riding a skateboard! (и она ехала на скейтборде: skate — конек; to skate — скользить /на коньках/; board — доска)"

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie… Hell is waiting for you."

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife."

The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation."

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice."

The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW."

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times."