Anniversarian. A play for 2 people. Comedy

Voice message (water noise, hum, fuss is heard). Filimon Ekimych, hello. This is Olya. You've probably already lost us. I'm sorry, we didn't think to tell you right away. We have a force majeure situation here. The water broke. We're all running around with rags, trying to prevent a flood. After all, the house is for two owners, the same ones were built so that they would be next to each other all their lives, there was only one water supply. Now we're all in a bunch. Lena sends her regards, and our men are trying to patch something in the underground. I don't know what they can do there now, I think they will have to call the services. We're all dirty, wet. We don't know what to do. We can't come. When the men are free, they will call you. Such things.

Philemon. Well, that, you know… It just doesn't fit in any gate anymore! I understand everything, there are coincidences in life, a series of failures, accidents… But to do it all at once! One day the world came together like a wedge, and even on me! What for? So that no one can come here? What are the tricks of Fate? For what? Why?

Yes, the twin brothers, indeed, have dreamed of building a house for two families since childhood. There is a partition, but, in fact, there is only one house, and, of course, if they have problems around the house, then these are common problems. The plumbing is old, it should have been changed a long time ago. It blew up after all… No luck. But they were lucky with their wives. Both Olya and Lena are very good women. This is the main thing, and everything else is the little things of life.

Philemon removes four more plates from the table.

Philemon. It remains to wait for the Parasite Earring with its Stutter. The three of us will get the whole table. But that's when. And now…

He pours himself a shot glass. He raises it.

Philemon. Be healthy, Filimon Ekimych! Happy anniversary!

He drinks. He sits down at the table, gets ready to eat.

The doorbell rings!

Scene 2

Ivy enters, looking very defiant.

Ivy. Hello, kitty.

Philemon. And… I… this… Hi. You must be a Bunny

, Ivy. I can be a bunny, I can be a kitty, I can do a lot of things. Will I come through, or will we just stand in the doorway?

Philemon. Yes, yes, please. Come on in… those.

Ivy. Kitty, let's not do this important thing, high and pretentious. Let's get right to the "you". OK?

Philemon. Ok.

Ivy. It's wonderful. I see you've been waiting for me. The table was set up by that one. I haven't had this before. It was, but not on this scale. Modest mostly. A bottle of wine, two glasses, sweets. And you're just being stupid!

Philemon. So, of course, I waited. How not to wait? A birthday after all.

Ivy. A birthday? Congratulations. How many stars did you get?

Philemon. Fifty.

Ivy. Seriously? Half a dozen? So it's an anniversary!

Philemon. Well, yes. I'm kind of… I'm aware of it.

Ivy. So I'm going to be your anniversary. Ha. Cool.

Philemon. Ahem.

Ivy. Well, what are you doing up there? I covered the clearing — come on, pour it, if that's the case.

Philemon. Yeah, I get it.

Philemon comes up to the table after the girl, gallantly pulls out a chair for her, sits her down, looks after her. It pours.

Ivy. Oh, my. The cavalier is right where to go. Nicesse…

Philemon. Is something wrong?

Ivy. All in a bunch. Let's have a toast!

Philemon. I think it would be appropriate for an introduction.

Ivy. Exactly. Let's get to know each other.

Ivy immediately clinks glasses and drinks. Philemon slows down.

Philemon. So maybe we'll get to know each other after all?

Ivy. Come on. What's your name?

Philemon. I'm Philemon.

Ivy starts laughing uncontrollably with a hint of mockery.

Ivy. Philemon? Seriously? Where did you find that name? No one has called anyone that for five hundred years. Tell me you're kidding. You're kidding, aren't you? No, ponAture, what's your name?

Philemon. Philemon, really.

Ivy continues to laugh mockingly.

Philemon. What's so funny?

Ivy. This is ridiculous, how funny. Philemon. But what if it's a diminutive? Phil? Monya? Fimonia? Mofil? Phil? Mof? A flask? Monyafil?

Ivy is covered with a new wave of laughter.

Philemon. I admit, I'm a little surprised by your reaction to my name. This is the first one. And secondly, I'm no less surprised that you didn't know my name. Didn't Sergei tell you? However, he didn't tell me your name either, he only told me about his Bunny.

Ivy. Sergey? Which Sergei? Oh, Sergei from the pool, which one? Well, I get it. So you found out about me from him.

Philemon. So who is it from? I don't know about the pool, but of course I learned about you from Sergei. You're weird.

Ivy. Am I weird? Which one of us is called Philemon? And I'm also weird.

Philemon. It's just Sergei…

Ivy. Brrr! I don't want to talk about him. Cut it out. My subscription was taken away because of this parasite.

Philemon. Oh, how! He didn't say anything like that. And why are they so mad at you?

Ivy quickly pours herself a drink, sips some of it.

Ivy. I was relieving myself in the pool.