Anniversarian. A play for 2 people. Comedy

Ivy. Yes, I am studying by correspondence.

Philemon. And you're probably working?

Ivy. Well, yes.

Philemon. And where do you work, if it's not a secret?

Ivy. I mean, where do I work? Here!

Philemon. Where is it here?

Ivy. Well, here! Right now, right here! I am at work now. Well, Smartass, don't be stupid!

Philemon is thinking.

Philemon. If I understood correctly, someone paid you to come to me today so that I wouldn't be so lonely. And it wasn't Sergei who did it, but someone else. I wonder who. So this is your job? Do you get paid to keep lonely people company? Oh, I heard it somewhere. It's kind of like a Friend-for-an-hour service. It finally dawned on me. Your job is "Friend for an hour," right?

Ivy. In a way. A friend for an hour, then already.

Philemon. Are you working for yourself, or for a company?

Ivy. I am an individual.

Filimon. A. Well, in principle, why not. An announcement on Avito and go ahead. Are you self-employed or not officially?

Ivy says nothing, looks suspiciously at Philemon.

Philemon. And what faculty are you studying at?

Ivy. That's it! I've had enough. What kind of interrogation is this? Are you from the police? What do you want from me? What are you picking at, fishing for?

Philemon. Ivy, what are you doing? Why are you doing this half a turn for nothing? I'm not fishing for anything, I just asked to keep the conversation going. If you want, I won't ask you anything else. We will be silent.

Ivy. You didn't answer!

Philemon. And… you mean the police? What kind of policeman am I? God be with you. No, of course not.

Ivy. Why, of course?

Philemon. Because I'm from a completely different "department".

Ivy. What kind of agency? More details, please!

Philemon. The department in this case is a figure of speech. If you are shaking for unpaid taxes or receipts that have not been issued, then it is completely in vain. I am not related to the supervisory authority. And I'm not interested in all this. I'm an artist.

Ivy. What? You?

Philemon. Ya

Ivy. Don't talk.

Philemon. You're weird. If you ask anything, it's bad! If you tell me something about yourself, it's bad again. You also say that it's difficult for you to be with me. I don't understand how to interact with you at all. You're afraid to step, to her God, like in a minefield. If you take a step, you explode like a bomb. I'm not a minesweeper. And not a policeman. I'm an artist!

Ivy. Why don't you have paintings in your apartment then? The order is like this, everything is free, empty. Artists don't do that.

Philemon. Do you know many artists?

Ivy. Well… no. But I've seen it on TV in movies many times. Creative — they are not of this world at all. Rolled up for the whole cap. Posters, paintings, watmans, or whatever. Brushes, paints. This… There should be a stand… What's her name…

Philemon. Easel.

Ivy. Here! Yes! And where is all this?

Philemon. Ivy, I was expecting guests today. Of course, I took everything away from here. In the next room you will find brushes, paints, an easel, and everything else.

Ivy. In the next room, you say?

Philemon. Yes, over there. If you want, take a look.

Ivy. Want.

Philemon. Go, and I'll eat a little more.

Ivy goes into the next room.

Philemon (loudly). If I were some kind of policeman, as you say, or a tax inspector, then by my age I would certainly have occupied a worthy place. And believe me, in this case, everyone would have come to my anniversary! I would then be all necessary, all profitable. Everyone would have come to pay their respects without fail. And who needs an artist? What should I charge? No connections, no money, no power. Therefore, the attitude is appropriate. As sincere as possible, I would say.

Ivy comes out with a painting in her hand.

Ivy. Your job?

Philemon looks at the painting.

Philemon. Mine.

Ivy. Cool.

Philemon. Thanks

Ivy. No, it's really cool. I liked her the most. How much is it? Sell it to me?

Philemon is distracted from eating.

Philemon. Did you like it that much?

Ivy. Yeah.

Philemon approaches the painting. He looks at Ivy, sits down, looks at the painting as if it were a child. Stroking her (the painting) lovingly. He gets up and returns to the table.

Philemon. Take it, if that's the case.

Ivy. How much should I pay?

Philemon. Gift.

Ivy. What, really?

Philemon. Really.

Ivy. Not a single thing. It's your birthday, and the gift is for me. Cool. Thanks

Philemon. Thank you.

Ivy. And why should I?

Philemon. For the dialogue, though difficult, but sincere. For the recognition of my work. For coming and diluting my loneliness. You talk with your weirdness, it's kind of interesting, but I'm glad to see you, even very much.

Ivy. Why are you talking like you're saying goodbye? Is that all? Am I free?

Philemon. It's just that I understand that you work by the hour, and the time is probably coming.

Ivy. Well, yes, and you also need to interact with me somehow, it's unclear how. Yes?

Philemon smiles.

Ivy. Let's try to make it in time. Is the shower there? I'll be right there.

Ivy runs off to the shower, leaving Philemon perplexed.

Scene 3