Anniversarian. A play for 2 people. Comedy

Philemon. But still, I wonder who gave me such a birthday present? Maybe an ex? No, I don't think so. She couldn't agree on anything with this Ivy, they communicate in different languages, too different. The twins are not up to me, they are messing with their flood there. My brother is also unlikely. The guys from the quartet? Probably them, but who is more? Apparently they decided that since they couldn't get to me themselves, at least they would call a girl so that I wouldn't be bored alone. Well done. Although — stop! They didn't know that everyone else hadn't come either!

No, I doubt they would do something like that. If only my children, ex-wife, brother and family, nephew and young lady were here… This girl would be completely out of business here. Something is not right here. But what about Seryozha's nephew? She kind of knows him, but she speaks strangely about him. I'm completely confused…

Ivy (screams from the shower). Hey, Smartass! The artist! Fly! Do you have a towel of some kind?

Philemon (shouts back). Yes, now.

Philemon finds a large towel, takes it away, and returns.

Philemon (shouting). I put it at the door!

Ivy (screaming). Yes, I see it!

Philemon wanders around the table, thinking about something.

Ivy comes out. She is wrapped in a large towel, it is clear that there is nothing under it.

Philemon. What are you doing? Not dressed…

Ivy. Do you understand that you like to undress yourself? Not a question. I'll go get dressed then.

Philemon. What did you understand there? I didn't understand anything, but she already understood… Well, explain it to me. I didn't understand.

Ivy. Go take a shower!

Philemon. Me?

Ivy.

Philemon is trying to understand the essence of the message. Then he carefully, as if imperceptibly, sniffs his armpits.

Philemon. Oh, I get it. Well, yes, I was sweating while I was hanging around with all these preparations. But, it seems, everything is not so sad that you drive me straight into the shower?

Ivy. Go on, go on!

Philemon. I can't argue with you much.

Ivy. Go ahead!

Ivy goes to get dressed.

Philemon reluctantly wanders to the closet, takes his robe, hesitantly crumples it in his hands, goes into the shower.

Ivy returns in full dress, with only her shoes off. Admires the donated painting. He goes to the table and pours himself a juice. He drinks, eats fruits.

Ivy (screaming). The artist! Don't stay there too long! Time is running out!

Philemon (shouting from the shower). Two minutes!

Ivy (softly). Come on, come on.

A voice message arrives on Ivy's phone. Turns it on, listens.

Voice message (nasty drunk male voice). Where are you, maramoyka! How long can I wait? Did you get the money on the card and decided to screw it up? This number won't work with me, I'll get you out of the ground! Are you holding the phone on silent? Look, there are seven missed ones from me. You don't have to joke with me like that. I'll wait another twenty minutes, then take the blame on yourself. I was dropping the address. The house, the entrance floor, you know everything. Apartment fifty-sixth. You have twenty minutes.

Ivy. What kind of nonsense is this?

Ivy puts the phone away, continues to eat fruit. She gets it.

Ivy. Stop it! Fifty-sixth! (SCREAMING) Artist, what kind of apartment do you have?

Philemon (shouting). Eh? What?

Ivy (screaming). What's your apartment number?

Philemon (shouting). Sixty-fifth. And what?

Ivy. Heck! I got it mixed up.

Picks up the phone, records the voice response.

Ivy (sends a voice message). Sorry, kitty, I was stuck in traffic. I'll be there in three minutes!

Ivy grabs her shoes and runs out of the apartment, forgetting about the painting she got as a gift.

The end of the first action.

Action 2

Scene 1

Philemon comes out of the shower in a bathrobe.

Philemon. That's all right. Ivy? Where are you?

Looking for a girl. He doesn't find it.

He gets a message on his phone. Includes. Listening to.

A voice message. Uncle Philemon, hello again. Listen, here's the deal. My Bunny has some problems there, we need to go urgently to solve them. I guess we're not getting to you today. I'm sorry, okay? Happy birthday. We'll come by sometime, for sure. Hello everyone

Philemon (to the empty table). Greetings to all of you, from Seryozha plemyasha.

He walks, thinks, scratches the back of his head.

Philemon. It turns out that we talked about different Sergeevs with her. I don't understand anything. So! Money, documents!

Rushes to the cabinets, shelves. Examines the apartment for theft. He runs around the rooms, checks everything.

Philemon. Everything seems to be in place, I didn't take anything. She even left the painting I gave her. Can someone explain to me what's going on here? Who was that girl? How did she end up here? So, just went to a random apartment for a drink, a snack and a wash? It's crazy. What the hell is going on. Just what the hell! What a day…