Джейн Эйр / Jane Eyre

I knew I was the same person I had been an hour ago; but my future was gone. My life was changed forever. There was still love for Mr. Rochester in my heart, but it was like a sick child, or a cold, trembling animal that could not be revived. I could no longer trust him, and I must go away from him – that much I was sure of. How, where, what I would do I did not know, but I could not stay here. I was, as I had always really been, alone. And there was no one to help me.

At last, my sorrow swept over me in a huge wave, and I wept and sobbed for my lost love, my destroyed dreams, and my poor, ruined hopes.

I stayed locked away in my room until the afternoon, when I began to wonder why no one had knocked at my door, or come to comfort me. I wiped my face, unbolted my door, and opened it.

Mr. Rochester was sitting outside, on a chair he had placed in the hallway. He jumped up.

“Jane – I have been waiting for you all this time,” he said. “Why did you not scream and shout at me?”

I said nothing. I couldn’t speak.

“I never meant to hurt you, Jane; I love you. I hoped I could have happiness with you – I was a fool. I am so sorry, Jane. Can you forgive me?”

I looked up into his eyes. They were so full of sadness and remorse, I couldn’t help but forgive him at once. But I did not tell him so.

“I would like a drink of water,” I said.

He took me to the library to sit down, and brought me something to eat and drink. It made me feel stronger, but when I looked at him I was overcome with grief. I knew I had to go, but I loved him so much.

He tried to kiss me, but I turned away. “Don’t you still love me, Jane?”

“Of course I do,” I whispered, tears filling my eyes. “But I cannot stay here now.”

“I understand,” he said. “Nor can I. I will leave Grace Poole in charge of Thornfield, and go. I have another house, called Ferndean, to live in.”

“Then take Adèle with you when you go,” I said, sobbing. “You’ll need the company.”

“But you will come with me, Jane, won’t you? We’ll live there together.”

“No, I will not. I love you, but I cannot live with you while you have a wife. I will not be a mistress.”

“We will be just like a real husband and wife. We belong together far more than she and I ever did. Please, Jane!” he cried, kneeling on the library floor.

“No.”

Over and over he begged me to stay with him, to comfort him, to be with him forever – and I longed to say yes. But I could not. My trust in him had been ruined. I stood up.

“Farewell,” I said quietly, and went to my room.

When I was in my own room, there seemed to be no changes. And yet where was the Jane Eyre of yesterday? – where was her life? – where were her prospects? Jane Eyre, almost a bride, was a cold, solitary girl again. Mr. Rochester was not to me what he had been. He was not what I had thought him.

My eyes closed: endless darkness seemed to swim round me.

Chapter 27

I was awake long before anyone else. I put on a simple dress, a straw bonnet and a shawl, and taking my purse and a small bag of possessions, I crept downstairs. “Farewell, kind Mrs. Fairfax!” I whispered, as I glided past her door. “Farewell, my darling Adele!” I said, as I glanced towards the nursery. Then I left the mansion. I ran across the fields, heading for the road that lead in the opposite direction from Millcote, the direction I knew nothing about.

I stopped a coach and asked the driver to carry me as far as I could go for 20 shillings (I had no more money in my purse). I climbed in and felt my eyes fill with tears. I was leaving my home and the man I still loved passionately.

The coach drove all day. The driver let me out at a place called Whitcross. It was not a town or a village. It was just a set of crossroads, with a white-painted signpost. The nearest town was ten miles away.

All around me were moors with mountains in the distance. I was completely alone on this road, which I knew I finish before sunset. As there was no other soul around, nature was to be my host that night.

I came to a craggy rock and sat down beneath it. The heather and the mossy grass were dry and still warm from the heat of the afternoon.

I had eaten nothing all day except a slice of bread from the kitchen. But there were bilberry bushes close by, and I gathered two handfuls of berries to eat and drank water from the stream.

Then I lay down next to the rock, on the heather, with a grass for a pillow, and spread my shawl over me, folded in two. In this bed I was comfortable enough to sleep.

As I closed my eyes, I could not keep thoughts of Mr. Rochester away. I saw his face in front of me, begging and pleading, and I shook with grief and longing. How could everything be so different now, from the way it had appeared just a few days ago? I opened my eyes and stared up into the dark sky.

The Milky Way, vast and silent, remembered me, I was not really alone. I asked God to help me in my troubles, and to comfort Mr. Rochester in his. Only then I could fall asleep.