Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine

Raymond ignored the front door and walked around the side of the house. The back garden had a shed with net curtains in the window, and a square of green lawn marked by clothes poles. Washing flapped on the line, pegged out with military precision, a row of plain white sheets and towels and then a line of alarming elasticated undergarments. There was a vegetable patch, with tropically lush rhubarb and neat rows of carrots, leeks and cabbages. I admired the symmetry and precision with which they had been laid out.

Raymond pushed open the back door without knocking, shouting hello as he walked into the little kitchen. It smelled deliciously of soup, salty and warm, probably emanating from the large pot that sat on the hob. The floor and all the surfaces were immaculately clean and tidy, and I felt certain that, were I to open a drawer or cupboard, everything inside would be pristine and neatly arranged. The décor was plain and functional, but with occasional flashes of kitsch – there was a large calendar with a lurid photograph of two kittens in a basket, and a cloth tube to store plastic bags and designed to resemble an old-fashioned doll hung on a door handle. A single cup, glass and plate were stacked on the drainer.

We walked into a tiny hall and I followed Raymond into the living room which, again, was spotless, and reeked of furniture polish. A vase of chrysanthemums sat on the window ledge, and an uncurated jumble of framed photographs and ornaments were protected by the smoked-glass doors of an outmoded dresser like holy relics. An old woman in an armchair reached forward for a remote to mute an enormous television. It was showing that programme where people take old things to be valued and then, if it turns out they are worth something, pretend they like them too much to sell them. Three cats lounged on the sofa; two glared at us, the third merely opened one eye and then went back to sleep, not deigning us worthy of a response.

‘Raymond, son! Come in, come in,’ the old woman said, pointing to the sofa and leaning forward in her chair to shoo the creatures off.

‘I’ve brought a friend from work, Mum, hope that’s OK?’ he said, walking forward and kissing her on the cheek. I stepped forward and held out my hand.

‘Eleanor Oliphant, pleased to meet you,’ I said. She took my hand, then clasped it in both of hers, much as Sammy had done.

‘Lovely to see you, hen,’ she said, ‘I’m always pleased to meet Raymond’s friends. Sit down, won’t you? You’ll be needing a cup of tea, I’m sure. What do you take in it?’ She made to stand, and I noticed the wheeled walking frame by the side of the chair.

‘Stay where you are, Mum, I’ll get it,’ Raymond said. ‘Shall I make us all a nice cuppa?’

‘That’d be lovely, son,’ she said. ‘There’s some biscuits too – Wagon Wheels – your favourites.’

Raymond went off to the kitchen and I sat on the sofa to the right of his mother.

‘He’s a good boy, my Raymond,’ she said proudly. I was unsure how best to respond, and opted for a short nod. ‘So you work together,’ she said. ‘Do you fix computers too? My goodness, girls can do just about anything these days, can’t they?’

She was as neat and tidy as her house, her blouse fastened at the neck with a pearl brooch. She wore wine-coloured velvet slippers with a sheepskin trim, which looked cosy. She was in her seventies, I’d guess, and I noticed, when I shook her hand, that her knuckles were swollen to the size of gooseberries.

‘I work in accounts, Mrs Gibbons,’ I said. I told her a bit about my job, and she appeared to be fascinated, nodding along and occasionally saying ‘Is that right?’ and ‘My my, isn’t that interesting.’ When I ended my monologue, having exhausted the already limited conversational opportunities afforded by accounts receivable, she smiled.

‘Are you local, Eleanor?’ she asked gently. Usually I abhor being questioned in this manner, but it was clear that her interest was genuine and without malice, so I told her where I lived, being deliberately vague as to the precise location. One should never disclose one’s exact place of residence to strangers.

‘You don’t have the accent, though?’ she said, framing it as another question.

‘I spent my early childhood down south,’ I said, ‘but I moved to Scotland when I was ten.’

‘Ah,’ she said, ‘that explains it.’ She seemed happy with this. I’ve noticed that most Scottish people don’t enquire beyond ‘down south’, and I can only assume that this description encapsulates some sort of generic Englandshire for them, boat races and bowler hats, as though Liverpool and Cornwall were the same sorts of places, inhabited by the same sorts of people. Conversely, they are always adamant that every part of their own country is unique and special. I’m not sure why.

Raymond returned with the tea things and a packet of Wagon Wheels on a garish plastic tray.

‘Raymond!’ his mother said. ‘You might have put the milk into a jug, for heaven’s sake! We’ve got a guest!’