Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

We talked a lot about this in chapter 2. If you’re still wondering how to start figuring out “who you are,” go back and check it out again.

Invasion of the Body Snatcher

None of this is to say that your brain is holding your entire body, mind and personality hostage! When your brain gives you those “I need to be independent” messages, it may make you want to lash out with arguments, insults and disobedience when an adult challenges your independence.

Likewise, your brain may make you want to respond with anger, snide comments or unfriendly threats when your friends (or you!) try on “new” personalities on your quest to find out “who you are.”

You can’t control the messages your brain is sending you. Really. It’s just the way your brain develops. But you do have control over how you respond to your brain’s messages.

Right now you argue so much because your brain is also developing logical reasoning. You need reasons for your parents’ rules; you want to know why your friends act the way they do. So ask your parents what purpose they have for a rule instead of responding with, “You can’t make me!” Even if you don’t like their reason, they probably have one that seems good to them. Once you know their purpose, you can negotiate a compromise that gives you some independence and also sets limits they think are good for you.

It works like this: Let’s say you want to go see a movie, Selena’s Summer Secret (a made-up title), with some girlfriends and some guy friends. You ask your mom, and she’s says, “Absolutely not.” You immediately assume that she doesn’t trust your friends, thinks you pick lousy friends and maybe even hates your friends. And you tell her so! Yep, the perfect beginning to the perfect argument!

Or . . . you could tell her calmly that you really want to practice doing things on your own and ask her why she doesn’t want you to go. (Note the word calmly. You are seeking information, not a fight here!) You choose this route and find out that it’s not the friends she doesn’t approve of, it’s the movie! Turns out she read a review online and found out that it has really graphic sexual scenes and even shows naked breasts right there on the screen!

Wow! She really did have a good reason. You would have been mortified to be sitting right next to Derek when they showed naked breasts on the screen! So now that you know her reason, you can compromise. You can still go to movies; just pick a different one—preferably one without naked people prancing across the screen! You get to do something all on your own, and your mom gets to establish some safe boundaries for your independence.

See, once you understand what your developmental tasks are, it helps you explain to your parents why you want to do things “on your own.” Tell your parents that you want to learn how to do things that will ultimately help you take care of yourself as an adult. We’re betting you’ll get lots of “maturity” points for that!

Where’s the Instruction Manual?

So how do parents handle your changing brain and your new task of becoming independent?

Oh, that’s easy. They’ll just turn to of the How to Raise Teenagers Instruction Manual and refer to the easy-to-follow steps found there in the middle of the page. What?!? You didn’t come with a manual? No instruction booklet? Well, this does complicate things. . . .

Looks like your parents are on their own when it comes to your changing brain and independent streak. Letting go of their little girl, deciding safe boundaries and giving up some control when it comes to safety, friends and your whereabouts isn’t always easy. And it’s different for everyone.

For some parents it’s an easy task. For others it’s torture. Some parents are happy that they don’t have to watch you constantly anymore. Some might even give you more independence than you want. Lots of parents have already gone through this with older siblings and “know the ropes.” Others are anxious first-timers. And some parents may never give up treating you like a six-year-old.

Parents with Style

The way your parents handle these changes will depend a lot on their “parenting style.” “Style?” you say. “My parents have no style.” Ahh . . . you may be right, but we’re not talking high fashion, clever conversation or cool cars. We’re talking about the ways they discipline you, treat your friends and talk to you.

So what is your parents’ parenting style? Take this quiz, and we’ll help you figure it out.

Check your parents’ typical response: