Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

Use it or lose it. For certain parts of our brains, that’s the way it works. Research shows that we have to start using the brain’s decision-making center by adolescence. If you don’t learn to make some decisions for yourself, you will lose the ability to make good decisions later in life. If someone else is always making decisions for you: what to wear, where to go, who to hang with, when to eat and sleep and do all the chores you have to do on a daily basis . . . you’ll never figure out for yourself how to manage your time or your ability to decide things.

Authoritarian parents don’t always mean to prevent you from ever learning to grow up, but they often don’t give you the chance. So are they just control freaks? Maybe so, maybe not. It could be that you’ve messed up a lot and have given them a reason to think you can’t make good decisions. Maybe you’ve broken lots of simple rules, so they think you can’t handle bigger things. The best thing to do is promise them that you can make good decisions, that you want a chance to make good decisions. Then do it! Gain their trust—and trust is something that you have to earn. Prove you deserve independence and then ask for more.

Sometimes Authoritarian parents may take their punishment too far. Sometimes they may be just too harsh and may even be abusive. If your parents leave marks on your body, lock you away or degrade you all the time, you’ve got a bigger problem than just “strict” parents. If any of that happens to you, it is important for you to tell someone you trust who can help you get out of danger. Sometimes your parents may just need some help learning better ways to discipline you, and sometimes they are just plain dangerous for you and your siblings. Kids who are abused by their parents can get help from people like school counselors, youth leaders, doctors, nurses or teachers. If it’s happening to you, please talk to someone about it.

C is for “Cooperators”

If you answered mostly C, your parents are working hard to find a balance between your job of becoming independent and their job of giving you safe space to make your own decisions. We’ll call them Assertive-Democratic parents. Assertive simply means that they state their case; they let you know what they think and why they think it. Democratic means that they often give you choices. It may not always be exactly what you want to do, but they will provide a number of safe options for you to choose from.

These parents know who your friends are, what your interests are, where you are and when you’ll be home. They are involved in your life but also give you room to grow some independence.

Assertive-Democratic parents seem to provide the best opportunities for helping their kids make the transition into young adulthood. These parents don’t just pop into this category, though. They learn by being Permissive sometimes, Authoritarian sometimes and then discovering the balance of Assertive-Democratic. Since you didn’t come with an instruction manual, parenting involves a lot of trial and error!

Being a teen also involves a lot of trial and error. You have to discover which category your parents seem to hang out in. Maybe you have one parent who is Permissive about clothes and Authoritarian about schoolwork. Another is usually Assertive-Democratic about your social life but occasionally swings to Authoritarian when it comes to dating. Confusing? You betcha!

When you look at your parents, you’ll probably see a combination of Permissive, Authoritarian and Assertive-Democratic qualities. That can be good. Even parents who are 100 percent Assertive-Democratic have good reason to be what you may think is Authoritarian or Permissive at times. They may need to tell you what to do absolutely, period, no discussion if it is an issue you have already discussed, involves a choice you have already been allowed to make, and you are making a poor choice for the third time.

They may seem Permissive if you are not taking responsibility for a decision they think you can make on your own. They may push you to decide between going to a friend’s house and getting a jump-start on a huge research project if you have always counted on them to make that decision for you. In this case, their response, “Whatever you think is best,” forces you to use your brain’s decision-making center.

By now, we guess you are figuring out the truth about parents—they don’t come with an instruction manual either!

How to Get Your Way with Your Parents