Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

If you are going hog-wild with the independence thing by talking on the phone all night; eating nothing but pizza, mac ’n’ cheese and soda; and buying a brand-new outfit every weekend . . . Hey, hey, hey! Slow down there!

If getting your way means unlimited phone calls, junk food and trips to the mall, you won’t learn how to make that happen from us! We’ve already said that growing up does not mean that you get to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. And getting your way with your parents isn’t the same as having a rules-free home.

But if getting your way means “gaining independence,” we can help you there! The real challenge is figuring out how to deal with these different parenting styles—Authoritarian, Permissive and Assertive-Democratic. You need a plan that allows you to gain independence and figure out who you are, but still lets your parents do their job of protecting you, loving you and raising you to adulthood.

The Drill Sergeant

First, let’s take a look at Authoritarian parents.

Authoritarian parents make clear rules which are unbending. They expect obedience, and breaking a rule is strictly punished. Now we’re not saying that rules, boundaries and consequences are bad. In fact, they are really good for you. It’s just that teens need some room to make decisions for themselves. And that can’t happen if an Authoritarian drill sergeant of a parent directs every detail of your life with no explanation or choices.

For a healthy brain, a totally Authoritarian parenting style is not the best for teens. Remember use it or lose it? That decision-making center has to get some exercise, or you’ll never be able to make decisions as an adult!

Even if your parents are not Authoritarian now, you probably remember a time when they were. Authoritarian rules work best for younger children, children who cannot fully understand the danger of running in the street, playing with fire or eating only chicken nuggets for three months. When you were a little older, your parents still may have had good reason to be Authoritarian. Maybe you wanted to see a movie that had sexual situations . . . but didn’t even know what sex was yet! Your parents may have given you a reason for their rule, but you were too young to understand.

So at certain times in your life, unbending rules did have to be made for you, regardless of whether or not you understood the reasons.

That was then. This is now. You are older and able to understand choices and consequences.

Every time you make a decision, it’s like exercising your brain. The more decisions you make, the more fit your brain’s decision-making center will be. If your parents make all your decisions for you, that brain’s gonna turn into a big tub of goo! Ewww!

So how do you get Authoritarian parents to “let you have your way” and make some decisions?1. Show them that you do understand that choices have consequences. Use “I” statements, such as: “If you’ll let me stay out until 10:00, I promise to be home on time. And if I’m late, I’ll wash your car every Saturday for a month.” And then if you are late, suffer your own consequences cheerfully.2. Do the small things well. Make your bed without being reminded. Remember your lunch money. Finish your model of the solar system on time. Show them that you can do things on your own. Give them a reason to think that you will make good choices, and they may let you try bigger things.3. Tell them that you want to make some decisions. Ask them to find times for you to exercise your brain. Make suggestions like: “Will you let me decide when I’ll rake the lawn if I promise it will be done by Saturday at 6 P.M.?” or “Can I go shopping for that new skirt with my friends if I promise I won’t buy one shorter than three inches above my knee?” or “May Amber and I walk around the neighborhood if we take the cell phone and promise to be back in thirty minutes?”

These things prove to your parents that you can set reasonable limits and accomplish tasks all on your own (home at 10:00, a school project finished on time, hem three inches above the knee). It can make them more confident that you will make good choices. They may even look pensively heavenward, lay a finger aside the cheek and ponder, “Maybe, just maybe, I don’t have to make all my little girl’s decisions. . . .” Your brain will thank them!

The Sky’s the Limit

Now on to Permissive parents.

Permissive parents may be the toughest parents to deal with. We just saw how Authoritarian parents set up unbending rules about all details of life so that teens can’t practice making decisions. Permissive parents are the opposite of that.