Lilian Jackson Braun - Cat 18 Who Said Cheese

"Another Scotch, Andy?" Qwilleran asked. "How about you, Big Boy? Some more coffee? Then tell us about seeing Vic's wife at the Black Bear Caf‚ a couple of weeks ago."

"Yeah. They weren't married anymore. She got a divorce. I don't know why. She was a nice lady. I saw her at the Black Bear. She was with some man. Her hair was different, but I could tell it was her. She di'n't see me. When Vic called me long distance next time, I told him. He was surprised. I knew he'd be surprised. Coupla days after, he called me up again. I like gettin' long-distance calls, don't you?" He looked at his two listeners, who nodded. "He told me to meet him at the airport."

"But at Lockmaster, not Mooseville," Qwilleran said with a significant glance at Brodie.

"Yeah. Lockmaster. Nice airport. Bigger'n ours. Takes longer to get there, but I di'n't care. He was my best friend. lowed him one. That's what Vic always said. He was kinda quiet when I picked him up. He said he still loved his wife - I forget her name - and he wanted to make up. He had a birthday present for her. He said he paid a lotta money for it. It was all wrapped in silver paper and fancy ribbons. He said it would be a big surprise."

"Damn right it was a big surprise," Brodie muttered.

"Go on, Aubrey," Qwilleran encouraged.

"Next day, he borrowed my truck and drove around. Don't know where he went, but he put a lotta miles on it. I hadda buy gas. Come afternoon, I drove him to the hotel so he could leave the present and a bunch of flowers he bought somewheres. Then I drove him back to Lockmaster."

Brodie asked, "When did you find out the birthday present was a bomb?"

"Goin' to the airport. I di'n't know what to think. I di'n't know what to say. I asked him why. He said he loved her and di'n't want nobody else to get her. He told me to keep my mouth shut or I'd be arrested. He said I hadda buy a paper and see what they printed about it. I hadda cut it out and send it to him. I wanted to call him long distance, but he said no. I di'n't feel good about it, but... I owed him one."

"How did you feel when you learned the bomb killed the housekeeper?"

"I felt sick. She was Lenny's girl friend - Lenny Inchpot. They were gonna get married." Aubrey jumped up. "I hafta go outside a minute."

"There's a bathroom right off the kitchen," Qwilleran said, but Aubrey had rushed out.

Brodie said, "I hope he's not gonna steal my car and go fugitive."

"He'll be back. He's accustomed to outdoor plumbing."

"Can we believe this story?"

"Wait till you hear the rest of it, Andy. It fits together like a jigsaw puzzle: mystery woman in room 203 - battered wife with scarred face - divorced and trying to escape a stalking ex-husband - coming to this remote town for refuge - never thinking she'd be recognized. That's where she made her mistake."

"And he made his mistake by buying flowers; he killed the wrong woman," Brodie said grimly. "Aubrey seems to enjoy telling the story."

"It's doing him good. A few hours ago he was in a suicidal depression. Now he's blabbing like a guest on a TV talk show with an audience of millions. I think he likes the attention. He's lived a lonely life since getting out of the Navy."

"Strange guy. Strange situation."

When Aubrey returned, he said he had walked around the barn; he'd never seen a round barn before. Qwilleran offered him more coffee and said, "Tell us how Vic came up again the next weekend."

"Yeah. I picked him up in Lockmaster again. He said two people described him to the police-that's what it said in the paper. He wanted to know if I could get at the old man's guns."

"How did he know about them?"

"He seen 'em the week before - and the Bible - and the cuckoo clock. He liked the clock. Did you ever see a cuckoo clock, Andy?"

"My mother-in-law has one," the chief said gruffly.

"Okay," Qwilleran said. "Tell us about the handgun."

"Yeah. Vic took one and loaded it, and I drove him to the flower shop on Main Street. He wanted to go there. Wasn't nobody around. They was all at the fireworks. When he come out, I wanted to stay and watch the fireworks, but he wanted to get outa there. That's when he told me I hadda get rid of the gun or I'd be arrested. I di'n't know what to do."

"Whose idea was it to hide it in a turkey?"

"We talked about it. I hadda go to work at midnight. They hadda get a shipment ready for Down Below. Vic said it'd be funny if somebody bought a turkey and found a gun in it."

"Very funny," Brodie growled.

"When I come home from work, I hadda get some sleep. I dunno what Vic did, but he had it all figgered out. He said we hadda get the hotel clerk. That meant Lenny. We hadda hide in the woods and pick him off with a rifle when the bikers went by. The paper printed Lenny's number, and there was a map. Then he said it was my turn to do it because I'm a good shot with a rifle. He was drinkin' whiskey, and I thought he di'n't mean it, but he did. I said I couldn't kill anybody, and he said I hadda do it."

"Because you owed him one," Brodie put in.