Mardock Scramble

“Death is a solitary thing. It’s not as if someone else’s death is somehow going to add value to your own, or even give solace to your own life.”

Balot unconsciously tried to remove the oxygen mask attached to her mouth. She wanted to say something to the mouse. But she couldn’t even lift a finger.

In her muddy consciousness, conflicting feelings of indignation and gratitude toward the mouse were swirling around together.

“Yup, I’m with you there. And in any case, cleaning up after his romantic notions ain’t half racking up the expenses. There’s lots of upkeep now, Oeufcoque: you, and the girl.”

Balot heard the Doctor grumbling just as she was on the verge of collapsing back into unconsciousness.

Many times Balot’s consciousness floated back into the real world before plunging back down into the depths of sleep. Each time Balot began to fade, she was assailed by incredible anxiety, only to be rescued by a curious sense of relief. That relief could come in the form of the mouse’s voice, or the Doctor’s. The prospect of death was steadily fading away. Reality was coming back into focus, and she would now have to live.

Make your choice.

Someone spoke in a dream. It wasn’t an order. Rather, it was closer to a question.

The choice to choose your path—the choice of existence. You have that right.

Balot was dreaming. She was floating in the darkness, and another version of herself was gradually swooping down on her from above. And her other self asked:

Make your choice—or would you be better off dead?

Her other self collapsed in a tangled heap, right on top of her.

She remembered the noise from the glitter of the city.

I’d be better off dead—the magic spell that made the heart feel lighter. The words closed in on her, hideously familiar. Beyond the noise was a life full of sadness. I want you to die with me—the doll burnt along with the body at a cremation. That was the last need. And she had obeyed.

But—

Why me?

The question surfaced like a bubble in the melange of her consciousness.

There was no answer. When you realized this, truly understood that there was no answer to the question of why me, all that was left was death. Yes. That was the choice. Whether to live. Why me? Why should I live? Such a person as me. The choice: one of two possibilities.

She felt that no one would say yes for her. The burden carried by a person who had never experienced unconditional love. You were either crushed by that burden, or you lived in order to search for that answer: yes. To search for the answer to the question Why me?

Balot’s heart was ripped to pieces, scattered, and sunk beneath the waves.

At length, the thing that she had been protecting—hidden away in her shell—started to rise up slowly from the ruins of her heart.

I don’t want to die…

The moment her heart—protected in its shell till the very end, not yet boiled to death—murmured these words in the faintest of whispers…

…that became Balot’s choice.

05

Josh, crush.

Balot suddenly realized that the little ditty was spinning around in her head again.

Dish, wash, brush, mash.

The awakening happened in an instant. As if the dream state she had experienced had never been.

Gosh!

Balot opened her eyes amid an eerie calm.

An ultraviolet lamp flickered in one corner of the ceiling. Reflective mirrors were fixed above her and arms extended from the bed. It was as if she were on an operating table.

She felt something moving on her back. The bed undulated slowly from left to right in order to prevent bedsores. When Balot moved her body to get up, the bed automatically rose with her, gently supporting her upper body.

At the same time the lower half of the bed started to fall, so she could now bend her legs.

The bed had become an easy chair. Almost like a cradle.

Her focus now moved from the ceiling to the room itself—she was in a huge hall filled with a number of machines. One of the contraptions was beating a pulse along with Balot’s heartbeat, and all the cords sprouting from the devices and tubes ran along to the bed, some of which were also attached to her head or arms. Balot looked around the room, listening to the soothing rhythm of the machines pulsing in harmony, working just for her benefit.

The room was windowless, and disinfectant tiles covered the surfaces of the walls.

The dry air was suffused with a feeling of quiet madness.

And then, all of a sudden, the realization—I am alive.

She ran her hands across her body. A movement to confirm her own existence.

She wasn’t naked but wore a thin hospital gown made of insulating material. Protruding from the gown were her arms and legs, spotlessly clean. Her skin was almost uncomfortably smooth.