Midsummer's Eve

Helena brightened considerably at the prospect and I even saw her smile once or twice.

About a week before we were due to leave Rolf returned.

He came over to see us at once. He looked melancholy and I had never seen him like that before.

He visited us frequently and talked a great deal with my father about the estate, which was solely his now. He had been looking after for years because he, not his father, had been the one who had built it up. "But there is a difference," my father said, "when something is entirely your own.”

Rolf contrived to be alone with me when we went riding together.

He said: "I wish you weren't going away, Annora. You're going right to the other side of the world and you'll be away for a long time.”

"It wouldn't be worthwhile going just for a few weeks.”

"Then there is the journey there and another back. I missed you while you were in London. Did you think of Cador?”

"Often.”

"When you come back, I want to have a long talk with you.”

"What about?”

"Us.”

"What do you mean ... you and me?”

He nodded.

We were walking our horses and he turned to me and said: "You seem to take such a long time to grow up.”

"The usual time I suppose.”

"Will you think of me while you are away?”

"Quite a lot, I expect.”

"When you come back we'll make plans ...”

I felt a sudden happiness. He could mean only one thing. I smiled at him. He looked different with that air of melancholy about him.

I thought of what my mother had said. "One must try to understand people." She and my father had broken laws. People did at times. One must not judge them too harshly.

One must grow up. One must understand something about life.

In that moment I wondered why I had ever thought there was a possibility of my marrying Joe. I knew I loved Rolf. But I wished I could forget that terrible night.

When we returned to the stables he helped me to dismount and kissed me.

I felt rather glad that we were going away. During the trip I would sort out my thoughts.

I would come to terms with myself. I would make sure that, whatever had happened on that night, I was going to marry Rolf.

On the High Seas

It was the beginning of September when we set sail. We stayed a few nights in the house in Albemarle Street before going on to Tilbury to join the cargo ship in which we would be sailing. I was sure the excitement of the coming journey was good for Helena. She was still very sad and at times lapsed into deep melancholy, but I did feel that she had come a little way from the terrible lassitude which implied that she simply did not care what became of her.

Amaryllis was sorry that she was going but at the same time she felt that it was the best thing for her. As for Peter Lansdon, his resilience continued to amaze me.

He behaved as though there was nothing extraordinary about a man who had aspired to become a leading politician being at the same time, to put it crudely, a brothel owner. He simply shrugged off politics and I had no doubt that he would soon be applying his immense energies to something else.

We went to the house in the square for dinner and it was almost as it had been in the past. He was insouciant, talkative and informative about what was going on. I did notice once the sardonic smile he sent m my mother's direction and I guessed he was reminding her of that long-ago pact, and telling her that exposure did not worry him all that much. Yet he had gone to great lengths to keep the nature of his business secret. He was, no doubt, making the best of an ugly situation, and in spite of everything I knew about him, I could not help feeling a grudging admiration for him.

He did talk a great deal about the Queen and Lord Melbourne and I the growing certainty that there would soon be an election which would put Melbourne out.

"And what Her Majesty will do when she loses her beloved minister, I cannot imagine.

Stamp her little foot, no doubt. But it won't do any good. And they say she has an aversion to Peel. Well, one has to admit he is too serious a politician to appeal to a young girl ... and of course his lordship has all the charm in the world, to which is added a somewhat scandalous past." He smiled at us in a kind of wry triumph.

"It seems odd that the naughty prosper in this world and the good are considered somewhat dull." I could see that he was certainly not going to let adversity deter him.

I think my father was inclined to admire him, too. He had always been one to look lightly on the sins of others. My mother naturally felt a great antipathy towards him and I could well understand that, after what she told me of the anxiety he must have caused her all those years ago.

I had several talks with Peterkin. He told me he had seen Joe at Frances's Mission and Joe had given up all thought of politics. It was the only thing he could do.