Moscow Noir

I know what’ll happen in the morning. Banderas will look me in the eye and I’ll nod silently. He’ll nod in reply and shake my hand. Just like that. Two men shaking hands. He won’t ask questions, since he never asked me to do anything the day before. Everything I did, I did myself, of my own free will. Any one of us in the smoke-filled two-by-three offices at 12 Boitsovaya Street would have done the same.

The months and years will pass, and Nikolai Petrovich and I will share the same two-man office.

We’ll catch, solve, and punish or tell the pesky vics to fuck off.

Old man, you shouldn’t have put your valuable property where everyone could see it. Even on the surveillance cameras in stores they write: The management is not responsible for your valuables. What the hell are we supposed to do?

As it is, we have a heightened sense of fairness, and the next Internal Affairs office over, by the way, has an excellent deputy chief detective now. A young muzhik, smart. A recovering alcoholic, they say; doesn’t drink at all. I should stop by and say hello someday. First we’ll repair the Moskvich since it’s not respectable to go to a first meeting with a colleague with these rusty fins.

I remember everything and know everything, and everyone else knows it too. And I have absolutely nothing to fear. For the last five months I’ve either been staying home or going to the prosecutor’s office. I’m lucky they kept me under house arrest and didn’t send me to Lefortovo because it’s close. Such a stupid thing, you know? It was really dark there, and scary, I admit it. None of us knew what would be there behind the door, and I was standing in front. I haven’t been junior or a student or a probationer for a long time, but I was in front again. My whole life I’ve been in front. When the muscle took out the door and jumped aside, I went in and fired at the sound. Now in my statements—however many there’ve been—I write: She thrust something out toward me. It was a syringe, just a syringe. But at the time I nearly shat myself, word of honor, and fired four times. I shoot well, though not as well as Voronov. When they take us out to the range once a year, he still hits ten out of ten, and my best record is eight. The officer there says that’s actually pretty good. But this time I was like a different person: all four bullets went in side by side, and after that the girl had no chest left.

She was nineteen or so, I don’t remember anymore. My investigator is a good guy, my age. I know before any arrest he’ll let me go home. I call Nikolai Petrovich, we go to our field, and I suggest a game. He can’t refuse me. But he shoots better. This is how it has to be. They can’t put me in prison. I’ll die there. Cops don’t go to prison. They stop being cops there or they die. And it doesn’t make a rat’s ass bit of difference which.

PURE PONDS, DIRTY SEX OR TWO ARMY BUDDIES MEET

BY VLADIMIR TUCHKOV

Pure Ponds

Translated by Amy Pieterse

As usual, Maxim walked at full speed coming out of the Pure Ponds metro station, throwing his muscular legs out in front of him as though they were the cranks of an engine. Actually, an engine—lacking vision, hearing, and a sense of smell—would have had a much easier time in this “heavenly” corner of Moscow. Maxim had to squeeze through two chains of sweaty people, human sandwiches who were handing out poorly printed leaflets with the addresses of a translation agency. Past the piss-stinking bums draped nonchalantly all over the Griboedov Memorial. Past the crazy, long-haired old man with a loud amp who sang psalms accompanied by Arabic music. Past a dozen dogs that took turns drilling the same lascivious bitch. Past the foul creek that our shortsighted forefathers had, for some reason, chosen to call Pure.

Maxim recalled a song that Igor Talkov had sung in his time. Sung until he caught a bullet at a showman’s showdown. A bullet straight out of a handgun that sent him to his final resting place. The mawkish lyrics were a parody of the present situation: Pure Ponds and shy willow trees/Resemble maidens who’ve fallen silent at the water’s edge/Pure Ponds, timeless dream of green/My childhood shore, where the accordion sounds.

Willows? What willows? More like disgusting benches with morons lounging around on them. What accordion? Only the monotonous thumping of electronic music blaring from the windows of cars stuck in a traffic jam.

And maidens? Sluts, all of them!