Русское зазеркалье (двуязычная версия)

— I did, — ответила я: в конце концов, это было наполовину правдой. — I am only sorry we never went so far as to actually discuss the song. They attacked me with all sorts of general questions about Russia and personal questions about myself.

— What did they ask you, for instance?

— Things like… how does it feel to live here, and whether I really am a monarchist, or whether I really am Russian, the whole thing being probably just a hoax, an artistic performance of some sort, or whether there might be some reasons why I am afraid to criticise the Russian president even here, considering the Skripal case, or why I disagreed with the artist when he was just saying the truth, namely, that Russian life is hell, or whether I was serious when talking about Christ wishing to rise the Russian intelligentsia to Heavenly Kingdom or just meant it as a figure of speech, and whether I really am an Orthodox Christian believer…

— And are you?

— I have never thought of myself in these terms, but the moment they asked me that question, I clearly and very distinctly saw that I am—not perhaps as a regular church-goer, but ideologically so, — призналась я неожиданно для самой себя, осознавая то, что говорю, в тот самый момент, когда проговаривала. — One must have a safe place within one’s mind in order to stand against… erm…

— The atrocities of this world? — нашла директор меткое выражение. Какая умная женщина, правда!

— Yes, exactly! As for my course, I think it is almost impossible to bridge the gap between the two cultures in question: I actually had a feeling I was speaking Mandarin Chinese, not English.

— Your English is very good, and as for this gap, the task is in itself very challenging, — сгладила директор острый угол, отнюдь не желая пускаться в рассуждения о том, что строительство мостов между культурами — задача вообще почти невозможная, а вовсе не только challenging. Тысячелетняя культура избегания неудобных для вежливого разговора глубин: нам этому у них столько же лет учиться. — It was a very lucky phrase of yours when you said that touching on any of your songs inevitably results in dealing with Leo Tolstoy, five hundred years of Russian serfdom, and God knows what else. All in all, you are a very bright lady… ‘young lady,’ I was on the verge to say, but—how is it that you are only twenty seven—or eight?—and sound so very much older? Forgive me this utterly tactless question, Alice, dear—do you mind my calling you by your Christian name?

— Not at all, Mrs Walking! («А себя-то, между прочим, не предложила называть по имени! — тут же смекнула я. — Как они тут умело выстраивают вертикаль “начальник-подчинённый”! Мягкой поступью, так что и не заметишь…») It’s not tactless, and the answer is…

— That you are Russian, — закончила она за меня. — I suppose this mykat’ of yours that you mentioned today is the central concept of your national identity. Well, our girls must seem juvenile to you… Allow me to give you a warning, though, will you? Be alert with them, never relax! Take them seriously, adolescent as they seem to you or perhaps as they also really are! It is nonentities who get very offended if someone says to them that they are nonentities. You have only eight or nine lectures ahead of you, so nothing very bad will probably happen—and yet, and yet… You are young, you are proud, you are admirably adamant in your principles—so be careful! For the time being, I will inform Sir Gilbert about your brilliant start—do you know that he comes the day after tomorrow, by the way? And now, one thing more: do you mind if we go over the text of your first lecture and look at all the inaccuracies? I mean, not really inaccuracies, just some unlucky phrases…

Я послушно кивнула. Следующие минут десять мы посвятили тексту моей лекции. Это было доброжелательно и очень профессионально — настолько доброжелательно, настолько профессионально, настолько отстранённо, что я даже не почувствовала раздражения по поводу того, что посторонний человек учит меня, как говорить. Вопрос «как говорить» — очень сложный, потому что рано или поздно он неизбежно в себя вовлекает «о чём говорить», и никто не знает, где кончается одно и начинается другое. Миссис Уолкинг, кажется, поймала мою мысль (так бывает, что люди, сосредоточенные на одном деле, перебрасываются мыслями, замечала не раз), потому что в конце этой работы над ошибками призналась:

— You know what? It feels like I am trying to make you less Russian than you are—cui bono? I am forcing you into the British way of thinking—a bad thing to do, given the subject of your lectures.

— On the contrary, your remarks are very valuable, — мягко запротестовала я. — Especially those on the use of articles and…

Директор неопределённо хмыкнула:

— Articles, yes, but… We teachers have an in-born vision of speech as something that should be immaculate, whereas the real human speech is not about avoiding mistakes. Neither is art, and neither is life.