The Complete Yes Minister

I must say I was feeling pretty hurt and defeated. I sighed and sat on the bed. I honestly felt near to tears. Is this how a Cabinet Minister usually feels, I wondered, or am I just an abysmal failure? I couldn’t see what was wrong, but something certainly was.

‘I don’t know what to do about it,’ I said quietly. ‘I’m just swamped by the volume of work. I’m so depressed.’

Annie suggested that, as we weren’t going to Paris after all, we might at least go for a quiet little candlelit dinner on the corner. I told her that I couldn’t, because Bernard had told me to work through three red boxes tonight.

Annie said something which changed my whole perception of my situation. She said, ‘What do you mean, “Bernard’s told me!”? When you edited Reform you were quite different – you went in, you told people what to do, demanded what you wanted, and you got it! What’s changed? You’re the same man – you’re just allowing them to walk all over you.’

And, suddenly, I saw that it was true. She’s right. That’s why Frank has been getting at me too. Either I get them by the throat or they’ll get me by the throat! It’s the law of the jungle, just like in the Cabinet.

‘How many articles did you blue-pencil and tear up in those days?’ she asked.

‘Dozens,’ I remembered.

‘And how many official papers have you torn up?’

‘None,’ I told her. ‘I’m not allowed to.’

She smiled reproachfully at me, and I realised that I still hadn’t broken out of this destructive pattern of behaviour.

‘Not allowed to?’ She held my hand. ‘Darling, you’re the Minister. You can do anything you like.’

She’s right. I am. I can. And, somehow, all my officials have house-trained me. I see it now. Honestly, I’m so grateful to Annie, she has such remarkable common sense. Well, they’re going to get quite a surprise. Suddenly, I can’t wait to get to the office. My New Year Resolution is: Take Charge.

January 11th

Today was better.

But only a little better. My attitude was fine, but unfortunately his didn’t seem to change all that much.

I summoned Humphrey to my office. I don’t think he liked being summoned. Then I told him that Frank was absolutely correct, and Bob McKenzie too – the National Data Base has to be organised differently.

To my surprise, he agreed meekly. ‘Yes Minister,’ he murmured.

‘We are going to have all possible built-in safeguards,’ I went on.

‘Yes Minister,’ he murmured again.

‘Right away,’ I added. This took him by surprise.

‘Er . . . what precisely do you mean, right away?’

‘I mean right away,’ I said.

‘Oh I see, you mean right away, Minister.’

‘Got it in one, Humphrey.’

So far, so good. But, having totally accepted at the start of the conversation that it was all to be different, he now started to chip away at my resolve.

‘The only thing is,’ he began, ‘perhaps I should remind you that we are still in the early months of this government and there’s an awful lot to get on with, Minister . . .’

I interrupted. ‘Humphrey,’ I reiterated firmly, ‘we are changing the rules of the Data Base. Now!’

‘But you can’t, Minister,’ he said, coming out into the open.

‘I can,’ I said, remembering my stern talk from Annie last night, ‘I’m the Minister.’

He changed tactics again. ‘Indeed you are, Minister,’ he said, rapidly switching from bullying to grovelling, ‘and quite an excellent Minister at that, if I may say so.’

I brushed all the flannel aside. ‘Never mind the soft soap, Humphrey,’ I replied. ‘I want all citizens to have the right to check their own file, and I want legislation to make unauthorised access to personal files illegal.’

‘Very well,’ said Sir Humphrey. ‘It shall be done.’

This rather took the wind out of my sails. ‘Right,’ I said. ‘Good,’ I said. ‘Then we go ahead,’ I said, wondering what the catch was.

I was right. There was a catch. Sir Humphrey took this opportunity to explain to me that we can go ahead, if the Cabinet agrees, and take the matter to the Ministerial Committee, and then we can go ahead to the Official Committee. After that, of course, it’s all plain sailing – straight to the Cabinet Committee! And then back to Cabinet itself. I interrupted to point out that we’d started with Cabinet.

‘Only the policy, Minister,’ explained Sir Humphrey. ‘At this juncture Cabinet will have to consider the specific proposals.’

I conceded the point, but remarked that after going back to Cabinet we could then go ahead. Sir Humphrey agreed – but with the proviso that if Cabinet raises any questions, which it almost certainly would, the proposals would then have to go back to the Ministerial Committee, the Official Committee, the Cabinet Committee and the Cabinet again.

‘I know all this,’ I said brusquely. ‘I’m assuming that Cabinet will raise no objections.’ Sir Humphrey raised his eyebrows and visibly refrained from comment.

I didn’t know all this at all, actually – the complex mechanics of passing legislation don’t ever really become clear to you in Opposition or on the back benches.

‘So after Cabinet, we go ahead. Right?’