The Stainless Steel Rat for President

Except this door wasn't the only thing the drapes concealed. Two more policemen blocked my way. "This was getting annoying. I leapt onto a long banquet table and neatly danced my way down its length, avoiding all the crockery with a fine precision that belies my years. More screams and shouts followed this exhibition until I reached the end-and spun about with my back to the window.

I was trapped. Every exit was blocked, and the minions of the law were advancing.

"It's not that easy!" I shouted. "Better cops than you have tried to capture Slippery Jim diGriz! All have failed. Better a —clean death than sordid captivity!" Behind the attacking hordes I could see my sweet Angelina blowing me a farewell kiss. I gave her a last wave as I tensed my legs and sprang backwards.

"Thus ends the saga of the Stainless Steel Rat!" My words were followed instantly by the crash of breaking glass, as I burst through the window and hurtled out into the night.

Falling. Twisting and turning as I did. So that I hit the waters of the canal in a clean dive that took me under in a curving arc, I did not break the surface again until I was some meters away and concealed by the darkness.

It was a happy end to a pleasant evening; I hummed to myself as I did an easy breaststroke through the darkness. I had brought joy to this dull planet, at least for a few brief moments. The police had reluctantly indulged in a bit of exercise. Now they could relax and fill out the endless reports so dear to the copper's heart. The news reporters would have something interesting to write about-for a change-and the populace in turn would be fascinated by the exciting events of the evening. I really should be treated as a benefactor of mankind-not a criminal. But there is no justice, I knew that, so I just swam on.

Number twenty-two was a safe house located in one of the more repellent districts of Blodgett City. Angelina would know what the number meant and would join me there. Meanwhile, there was little chance that my sodden clothing would draw the attention of anyone foolish enough to be abroad in these mean streets. There was one hidden entrance to the house that began in a public toilet, which I used now as being the most appropriate. In the house I left a trail of ruined clothing down the hallway to the bath, where a steaming shower relaxed and restored me. I was dressed again in fresh garments and sipping a"reviving drink when Angelina let herself in by a more acceptable doorway. "A remarkable exit," she said.

"I hoped you would enjoy it." I pointed. "You have left the door open by mistake, my sweet." "No mistake, my love," she answered. As an attacking herd of policemen thundered through behind her. "Betrayed!" I shrieked, leaping to my feet. "Et tu. Brute?" "I'll explain," she said, coming towards me.

"Mere words will not explain treachery!" I shouted as I dived around her towards the escape panel in the wall. She extended a delicate foot that caught my ankle and sent me sprawling headlong. Before I could rise again the hordes of policemen had fallen upon me.

Chapter 2

I'm good-but not that good. Sheer weight of numbers overwhelmed me. The first two attackers dropped unconscious, as did the next two. But someone had a armlock on me and as I was breaking this hold another policeman got me by the ankle. And so on. Roaring with rage, like a giant pulled down by ants, I fell beneath the onslaught. My last act was to free my right arm long enough to take the jeweled policeman's badge from my pocket and flip it across the room to land at Angelina's feet.

"Here!" I ululated. "You deserve that. Not as a souvenir as I had planned, but as a decoration honoring your new and traitorous alliance with the police!" "How charming," she said, picking it up, then stepping forward and swinging a sharp uppercut that caught me square on the jaw. "And that is your decoration for mistrusting your wife. Release the creature." I dropped, stunned, as the restraining hands let go. Angelina throws a mean punch. When the whirling constellations had vanished, and vision returned, I saw her handing the badge back to the policeman at her side.

"This is Captain Kretin," she said, "who tried to speak to you earlier this evening. Are you ready to listen now?" I muttered something that even I couldn't understand and stumbled to the nearest chair, rubbing my jaw and feeling immensely sorry for myself. The captain spoke.

"As I have been explaining to your charming wife, Mr. diGriz, we merely want you to aid in an investigation. A man has been found, brutally murdered..." "I didn't do it! I was out of town at the time! I want my lawyer..." "Jim, darling, listen to the nice policeman." It was the way she said darling that sent ice water through my veins. I shut up. My Angelina can be deadly when provoked.