The Stainless Steel Rat for President

"We'll need more identification than this picture," I said, handing it back to her. "Have the agent meet us here. I'll be back within the hour with everything that he will need for the investigation." I slipped a toolkit into my pocket before leaving. The city morgue was not too distant-which will give you a good idea of the kind of neighborhood this is-and I went through a back window and three locked doors without slowing down. I pick locks the way others pick their teeth.

I slid out the drawer of the cooler and stared down at the corpse. The glimmering hope that he might be familiar in the frozen flesh vanished. The mystery remained. It took but seconds to scrape off fragments of skin, clip hair samplesand extract dirt from under the man's nails. His clothes had been carefully filed and labeled by the police. I located them and took samples of these as well. And still more scrapings from his shoes. After this I went out the way that I had gotten in-and no one knew of either my arrival or departure. This minor operation had gone so smoothly that I returned to the safe house just as the Special Corps agent was letting himself in through the public convenience.

"Nice weather today, Mr. diGriz," he said, adjusting his clothing.

"It's always nice on Blodgett, Charley. That's why I hate it. When is the next shipment going out to headquarters?" "A couple of hours. The weekly bag. I'm taking it myself." "Perfect. I want you to take along these containers. Tell the lab to use every possible test on these samples. Here's a picture of the late deceased that I took them from. Get me gene tests, pollen tests, blood groups, ethnotyping, everything and anything they can think of. I want to know who this man is-or was. If he can't be identified I want to know where he came from. He was looking for me-and I'm very interested in finding out why. " The answer came in a surprisingly short time. Just three days later the front door bell rang and I looked into the scanner to see that the good and faithful Charley had returned. I let him in and reached out for the sealed case he was carrying. He pulled it away and chewed nervously at his lower lip. I growled deep in my throat and he cringed even more.

"I got orders, Mr. diGriz. From Inskipp, the supreme,.

our Commander-in-Chief." "And what does that dear, sweet man have to say for himself?" "He says that you have forged some checks on the Corps secret account and he wants the seventy-five thousand credits back before he releases any more information to a depraved crook..." "You're calling me a depraved crook!" He whinnied with fear as he scurried away from my grasping fingers.

"No! You got me wrong! I didn't say that-Inskipp did. I'm just quoting him like he told me to." "The bearer of ill-tidings should be killed as well," I snarled, my fingers still snapping in anger. I reached for him again but Angelina appeared suddenly and stepped between us. She held out a check to Charley.

"Here is the money we borrowed from the account. A simple error in bookkeeping, wouldn't you say?" "I sure would! I do the same thing myself sometimes." He wiped the sweat from his brow and passed over the case. "If you will kindly give this to your husband I'll be moving on. A busy day coming up, ha-ha." "The door slammed behind his back and I took the case from Angelina, pretending that I did not see the angry flare of her nostrils.

"This is it," I said, pressing my thumb on the security latch. The case fell open, a screen lifted up and glowed with life. Inskipp's depressing features looked out at me and I almost dropped the thing. Angelina must have seen my expression because she took the case from my hands and placed it on the end table. The imaged Inskipp glowered and snarled and shook a piece of paper in my direction.

"You've got to stop stealing this organization's money, diGriz. It sets a bad example for the troops. You will have paid back your last embezzlement by now or you wouldn't be listening to this message. It's only because of our interest in ParaisoAqui that I am talking to you now." "What is Paraiso-Aqui?" I said aloud.

The image nodded sagely. "By now you are asking yourself what is Paraiso-Aqui. " The smugness and self-assurance of the man. How easy it is to hate your boss. Particularly when he is one jump ahead of you. "Well I'll tell you. It is the home world of the murdered man you asked the lab to track down. I want you to go there and have a look at this planet. Then come and report to me. If you will read the document enclosed hprp vnii will niiirklv [f"p whafr niir intprpt i" The image vanished and the screen went dark. I flipped the screen back into its well and took up the envelope that had been concealed beneath it.