The Stainless Steel Rat for President

"This is very interesting," I said, quickly flipping through the printed sheets. "In what way?" "Because not only don't I know the man who was trying to see me-but I have never in my life heard of his home world before." "Well... we are just going to have to do something about that, aren't we?" "We certainly are!" I said, smiling in return. "We are just going to have to grit our teeth and obey Inskipp's instructions. Like it or not we will have to visit this mysterious planet." Angelina nodded and we just stood there grinning like fools. Knowing-without knowing how we knew-that the present period of peaceful boredom was at an end. The future was already looking brighter. I felt it in my bones. Something very unusual and highly interesting was about to begin.

Chapter 3

The travel brochure was heavy and warm to the touch, the copy on its cover glowing with self-importance. "Come to sunny perfection on the holiday world of Paraiso-Aqui," I read aloud.

Angelina, sitting at my side, was reading from a more sober and thinner volume, appropriately bound in black.

"Paraiso-Aqui is a planet that was settled during the first galactic expansion and only recently rediscovered. It is noteworthy for having the most corrupt form of government in the galaxy." "A slight difference of opinion between these two sources," I said, rubbing my hands together with anticipatory glee.

"Afternoon bouillon, sir?" the steward-robot asked, bowing and scraping before us.

"Not even to bathe in, you mechanized toady," I said. "Ill have a large Altairian panther juice on the rocks. Better make that two-" "One," Angelina said firmly. "Bouillon for me." "Yes, madam, delighted, perfect choice, wonderful," the obsequious machine salivated, bowing and nodding and rubbing its hands together as it writhed away. I hated it. Just as much as I hated everything else about this space-going cruise ship, the Luxurious Paradise Planet Tour, as well as all of the repulsive and loathsomely garbed tourists who gathered in shrieking throngs throughout the lounge.

"But we're dressed the same way, my darling," Angelina said. I must have spoken my thoughts aloud in the passion of the moment. And we were indeed dressed the same way. With a vengeance! I wore a short-sleeved shirt patterned with hideous purple and yellow blossoms. With shorts to match. Angelina wore exactly the same outfit, admittedly filling hers out in a far more attractive way. Also, in the latest holiday fashion, we had our hair dyed blonde and curled into 11 little green-tipped ringlets. I would have felt like an absolute fool were it not for the fact that all of our fellow travelers were garbed and coiffed in an equally repulsive fashion. A perfect disguise, yes, but what a price it exacted from my free soul! I opened the brochure to reveal a holopic of a deep blue sea under a light blue sky. The waves stirred and crashed onto the beach with a tiny crashing sound; a faint smell of sea brine wafted up from the page.

"Happy natives laugh away their days in the sunshine amidst the gustatory glories of sun-ripened fruit and freshcaught fish. " Angelina read quietly from her book, a dark counterpoint to mine. " "The inhabitants live in a condition of near-slavery; poverty and disease is the norm. The rule of the dictators government is absolute." "Thirty minutes to planetfall... planetfall in thirty minutes," the loudspeakers whispered. The tourists stirred and squeaked with excitement. I threw my guidebook into the atomic oubliette where it exploded with a puff of smoke, thin cries echoing from its recorded pages.

"We'll just have to see for ourselves," I said. Angelina handed me the Special Corps report and I nodded and sent it after the other. "If that is found in our luggage we are finished before we even begin." The steward smarmed up and we took our drinks. Angelina smiled across her steaming cup at me. "Now, don't be a spoilsport, Jim diGriz. This is not only a cover, but is a real holiday as well. You're going to enjoy it if I have to throttle you into submission. Think of it as a second honeymoonno, afirst one! We never did have a proper one." "Aren't we a little late? After all the twins are almost twenty years old..." "Which makes me hideous, middle-aged and unattractive I suppose?" There was ice in her words and menace in her voice, I threw my drink aside-it ate a hole in the carpet where it fell-and dropped on my knees before her.

"Angelina mine! Light of my life! More beautiful with each passing day!" Which was true enough; she was curved and warm and lovely, with more of her delicate pink skin out of the holiday outfit than in it. I seized her hands and kissed her fingers passionately and all of the tourists cheered while she smiled and nodded.