The Stainless Steel Rat for President

"What you say must be true, for tales of this monster's crimes have even reached my home world of Solysombra, many light-years away. What we find most disturbing is that these crimes are committed in the name of democracy, a system we have come to appreciate. I know, sip some wine, that's it, must think about the blood pressure, the two words are the same. Like you, people of our class had certain suspicions when the ballot box replaced hereditary rule. But in the long run it worked out all to the good. Particularly when those of noble blood and decent education ran for office themselves. And were elected." The marquez lifted one aristocratic eyebrow but was too well-bred to doubt my word aloud.

"It is true, de Torres, if you will think about it. The fact that the aristocracy rules before there are elections does not necessarily mean that it must stop ruling after elections. What it does mean is that the people of character and intelligence have a better chance of being elected than those of no character and pointed heads. I don't know how it is here, but we have some so-called noble gentlemen on my world who aren't fit to clean my pigsty." He nodded agreement. "We have this problem as well. There are well connected people here whom not only wouldn't I admit to my house, I won't profane the air in this room by speaking their names aloud." "Then we are of a single mindi" I raised my glass as did he and we downed their contents, and I watched with pleasure as they were refilled. "Therefore I volunteer my experience in politics to aid you and your people. There will be two candidates in the next presidential election-and I shall use my considerable professional knowledge to see that there will be a fair election and that the better man will win." "Can you do that?" "Guaranteed." "Then you are the savior of Paraiso-Aqui." "Not me. Salvation will be the new president's job." "And who will that man be?" "It is obvious. None other than your noble self." He was stunned by the words and sat for long moments with his head lowered. When he finally raised his eyes to mine they were filled with sorrow.

"That cannot be," he said~'lt must be another. I regret that I cannot be president."

Chapter 12

I was swallowing a mouthful of wine when de Torres spoke these fateful words. I coughed and choked, then finally pulled myself together. "You wqp't be president?" I managed to finally gasp out. "I don't understand." "My reasons are simple. I have no experience with planetary rule and would not know where to begin. Nor could I leave my estates here in the hands of others. I have devoted my whole life to their development. All of these are sound reasons, but are secondary to my most important reason. There is another, far better qualified than 1. Though I cannot deny that I am tempted by the post, and the opportunity to bring down the despicable Zapilote, I must step down in favor of one more eminently qualified." "Do I know this paragon?" "You do. It is yourself." Now it was my turn to sit and think-and be tempted. And it was indeed a temptation! A suitable challenge for a man of my persuasion. But there were barriers.

"But I am not a citizen of this planet," I protested. "Does that make a difference?" "Usually. But..." I foundered and sank on that but. As an immense idea sprang ftillblown into my brain. It was all there, complete and shining, and presented with the compliments of my subconscious. Which must have been cooking up this masterpiece for some time. But there were details that had to be checked first.

"May I ask a few questions before I give you my answer?" "By all means." "Do you have any rustic relatives, well connected but shy by nature, stay-at-homes who prefer their own withdrawn company to those of the outer world?" "Remarkable!" The marqu6z shook his head in wonder63 ment as he refilled our glasses but again. "You have just described my grandnephew. Hector Harapo, in a most exact manner. He is Sir Hector of course, a Knight of the Beeday, a minor order. His small estate borders mine-yet it must be ten years since I saw him last. He does nothing but read scientific books in order to develop new strains of bizeocho berries. The truth is that he is not worldly-wise at all, and were it not for my aid he woukf have been bankrupt years ago.