The Stainless Steel Rat for President

"We had an empty stadium to start with because there was this gang of police spies stationed just outside the entrance. They were taking pictures of everyone coming to the rally, which meant a decided drop in public interest. This was cutting down on the attendance as you can well imagine. Bolivar and I convinced them that they should give us the cameras and then get into that tent." "Don't tell me how you did it-I'm a man of peace. Was this the only hitch?" "The only one. Are you ready for your grand entrance, Dad? I mean Sir Harapo." "Never felt more ready. And you, Marquez?" "The same. This meeting will go down in history. Proceed!" I did. Down the aisle through the cheering crowd, shaking my hands over my head, smiling for the tourists' cameras, blowing kisses at the babies-but not the babes, for I knew Angelina's steely gaze was upon me. Climbing to the platform and waiting for the shouting to die away. There was a splendid fanfare of recorded trumpets and the marquez stepped forward.

"I am the Marquez de la Rosa, as everyone knows. It is my pleasure to run for vice-president of this world, under the leadership of my kinsman. Sir Hector Harapo, Knight of the Beeday, gentleman botanist and ftill-time recluse. Who has left the quiet of his laboratory and gardens to come to the aid of his planet. Without further ado, let me introduce to you the next President of Paraiso-Aqui ., . Sir Hector!" Screams, whistles, yells, you know the sort of thing. I waved until my arms were tired, then gave the signal for the fanfare again, while at the same time I pressed the floor button with my toe that sent a quick shot of subsonics through the floor of the stadium. This sound could not be heard, but it would produce a depressant effect on everyone present. The crowd was instantly silent, and I saw tears in more than one eye. Must remember to turn down the subsonic volume. I spoke into the waiting silence.

"Men and women voters, welcome visitors from other worlds, I bring you news of great joy. " I turned off the depressants and toed in the stimulants. The crowd began to smile with great joy even before they heard the news. "Within a few weeks we are going to have an election. At that time you will have a chance to vote for me for president. And why should you vote for me you might ask? Well I'll give you one very important reason. I'm not Julio Zapilote, that's why!" That produced a good deal of enthusiastic reaction and I took the opportunity to pour out some water-flavored gin from the carafe before me. I took a few good swallows before I carried on.

"Vote for me and end corruption in high places. Vote for me and I'll have the Ultimados working as swimming instructors on a shark farm. Vote-for me and see what honest government can really be like. I promise an ox in every pot, a gallon of wine in the cupboard, an abolition of all taxes, six weeks annual holiday with pay, a thirty-hour work week, retirement with full pay at the age of fifty for every registered member of the Nobles and Peasants and Workers Partyvolunteers will pass among you handing out membership forms-free bull fights every Sunday, off-track betting by licensed bookmakers, plus a few other things that I will think of soon..." My last words were drowned out by enthusiastic cheering that had no need of subsonics. If the voting were held at this moment-and the machines not rigged-1 would have received every vote. I sat down, still waving, then sipped at my restorative glass.

"Didn't you promise a few things you can't deliver?" Angelina asked. I nodded.

"No one believes election promises, particularly the politicians who make them. The purpose of the talk and this rally is just to stir up enthusiasm." "Well you certainly have done that." "Good. A few more speeches and we call it a day. Because we have a busy night's work ahead of us." And busy indeed it was. The rally finally ended, we fought our way through the enthusiastic crowds to the cars, then moved out onto the highway with the other traffic. The return trip was happily uneventful and no sooner had we entered the hotel suite than the action began. "Are you ready boys?" I asked, tearing out great handfuls of beard in my enthusiasm to get into action.

"We are!" they chorused.

"Then report. " I slipped out of my formal clothes and into my fighting gear. Bolivar read from his notes.