The Stainless Steel Rat for President

"Perfect," I said, dusting off my hands and admiring the result of our labors. "Let us now return for a refreshing drink and a look at the substitute programs that our minions are now preparing." Getting out unseen was just as easily accomplished as had been our entrance. Our car was waiting and there was no one in sight.

I opened the car door and the light came on.

There was a man sitting there, pointing a large pistol at my head and smiling at the same time. Someone very disgustingly familiar.

"So you are Hector Harapo now, and no longer a simple offworld tourist," Captain Oliveira said, "I warned you at our last meeting not to return to this planet. Now that you have been so rash as to come back you can only blame yourself for the conseniiences."

Chapter 22

As he spoke these words the street was bathed with eyesearing light. It was a trap-and well sprung. "There were searchlights on top of the buildings and troops pouring out of the doorways. All we could do was surrender.

"Please don't shoot!" I shouted. "We surrender. Surrender, my men, that is an order. Douchan qounboula!" I hoped that the boys would remember this repellent alien language-and they did! Although their hands were in the air, like mine, they could still actuate their smoke bomb releases by crossing their wrists-which I had just ordered them to do. The last thing I saw was the cheering sight of them vanishing in the roiling clouds that sprang up all around them.

I buried myself aside just as Oliveira fired. The bullet whistled by so close that I felt my hair stir in the breeze of its passage. Before he could fire again I flipped one of my own smoke bombs into the car, following it instantly with a sleep capsule.

I doubt if ten seconds had passed since the moment that I had opened the car door. In that brief time things had changed drastically. The street was filled with vision-obscuring smoke and loud with shouted orders, whistles blowing, the roar of engines and the hoarse cries of attacking men.

"Add more smoke and mix it with sleeping gas!" I called out in the same alien language. "I'm going to start a diversion with this car-then you both make a break for it!" If I could draw all the attention to myself the boys might have a chance. I groped my way into the car, pushed Oliveira's limp body aside, then started the engine. As I kicked it into gear I twisted the wheel away from the boys and stamped down hard on the accelerator. The car jumped forward, picking up speed, the smoke thinned-then vanished to be replaced 122 by searing light. I squinted against the glare and saw that I was about to run down a squad of terrified soldiers.

I dragged on the wheel and missed them by centimeters, still moving at top speed, to plow headlong into an armored car.

It made quite an impact in more ways than one. I found myself bouncing off the windshield and dropping back into the seat. My nose had taken a good knock and was bleeding nicely down the front of my shirt. My brains had been thumped just as well as my nose and I felt that my head was wobbling on my neck. Thinking was difficult and I had just about enough intelligence left to realize that more smoke and sleeping gas would be a good idea. I was hurling the bombs out of the window when the door to the armored car opened just before me. I threw a few smoke and gas grenades in there by reflex.

And all the while I was holding my breath. I had stopped breathing the instant the rush of blood had washed out my nose plugs. If I took a single breath now I would be just as sound asleep as the soldiers and police. But unlike them I would probably wake up dead.

The burning in my chest drove away the groggy sensations as I crawled out of the car on my hands and knees. As I stood up I banged my injured nose into something very hard. It took every effort of will not to gasp in a lungful of the gas-filled air. The object moved as I touched it and I realized that it was the open door of the armored car. Transportation. I climbed painfully into it, pushing aside the invisible body that was blocking the entrance. There were more slumped bodies underfoot and I had to climb over them.

And I had to breathe. But I didn't dare. I groped forward and slammed my head against hard metal. It took an endless period of running my fingers over it before I realized that it was the base of a seat. The driver's seat, mounted high in the front of the car. My groping fingers found the floor-mounted gear shift. It was vibrating-the engine was still running!

I jammed it into gear. The armored car heaved itself forward and began to grind my car into bits. I cursed and pushed and managed to get the thing into reverse. Everything shook about like crazy then we started moving backwards-1 had to breathe!

There was light again. I stuck my head out of the door and hnTwd that tinp. [i}c. e•nme iras hafl bapn laft bfihinrl with thesmoke. I fought not to breathe, but I could not win. I sucked in a shuddering lungfill of air.