«Тобиас Ужасный» и другие рассказы

"My fianc'ee, Miss Hilda Slocum," he says. "She is a wonderful character. We are to be married as soon as I lose twenty pounds more. It will take a couple of weeks longer," he says.

"My goodness gracious, Nicely," Horsey says. "What do you mean lose twenty pounds more? Are you just out of a sickbed, or what?"

"Why," Nicely–Nicely says, "certainly I am not out of a sickbed. I am never healthier in my life. I am on a diet. I lose eighty–three pounds in two months, and am now down to two hundred. I feel great," he says. "It is all because of my fianc'ee, Miss Hilda Slocum. She rescues me from gluttony and obesity, or anyway," Nicely–Nicely says, "this is what Miss Hilda Slocum calls it. My, I feel good. I love Miss Hilda Slocum very much," Nicely–Nicely says. "It is a case of love at first sight on both sides the day we meet in the subway. I am wedged in one of the turnstile gates, and she kindly pushes on me from behind until I wiggle through. I can see she has a kind heart, so I date her up for a movie that night and propose to her while the newsreel is on. But," Nicely–Nicely says, "Hilda tells me at once that she will never marry a fat slob. She says I must put myself in her hands and she will reduce me by scientific methods and then she will become my ever–loving wife, but not before.

"So," Nicely–Nicely says, "I come to live here with Miss Hilda Slocum and her mother, so she can supervise my diet.

"My goodness gracious," Horsey says. "What do you eat, Nicely?"

"Well," Nicely–Nicely says, "I eat anything that does not contain starch, but," he says, "of course everything worth eating contains starch, so I really do not eat much of anything whatever. My fianc'ee, Miss Hilda Slocum, arranges my diet. She is an expert dietician and runs a widely known department in a diet magazine by the name of Let's Keep House."

Then Horsey tells Nicely–Nicely of how he is matched to eat against this Joel Duffle, and at first Nicely–Nicely listens with great interest, and his eyes are shining, but then he becomes very sad, and says:

"It is no use, gentlemen," he says. "My fianc'ee, Miss Hilda Slocum, will never hear of me going off my diet even for a little while. However," he says, "let us call Miss Hilda Slocum in and see what her reactions to your proposition are."

So we call Miss Hilda Slocum in, and her reactions are to order Horsey and me out of the joint with instructions never to darken her door again, and when we are a block away we can still hear her voice speaking very firmly to Nicely–Nicely.

Well, personally, I figure this ends the matter, if Horsey does not happen to get a wonderful break.

He is at Belmont Park one afternoon, and he has a real good tip in a race, and when a brisk young character in a hard straw hat and eyeglasses comes along and asks him what he likes, Horsey mentions the tip.

Well, everything comes out all right, and the brisk young character is very grateful to Horsey for his information, and then the brisk young character mentions that he is nobody but Mr. McBurgle, the editor of the Let's Keep House magazine, and tells Horsey to drop in and see him any time.

Naturally, Horsey remembers what Nicely–Nicely says about Miss Hilda Slocum working for this Let's Keep House magazine, and he relates the story of the eating contest to Mr. McBurgle and asks him to influence Miss Hilda Slocum to get her to release Nicely–Nicely from his diet long enough for the contest. Then Horsey gives Mr. McBurgle a tip on another winner, and Mr. McBurgle must use plenty of influence on Miss Hilda Slocum at once, as the next day she calls Horsey up at his hotel before he is out of bed, and speaks to him as follows:

""I will never change my attitude about Quentin, but," she says, "I can appreciate that he feels very bad about you gentlemen relying on him and having to disappoint you. He feels that he lets you down, which is by no means true, but it is interfering with his diet.

"Now," Miss Hilda Slocum says, "I do not approve of your contest, but I have a friend by the name of Miss Violette Shumberger who may answer your purpose. She is my dearest friend from childhood, but it is only because I love her dearly that this friendship endures. She is extremely fond of eating," Miss Hilda Slocum says. "In spite of my pleadings, and my warnings, and my own example, she persists in food. It is disgusting to me but I finally learn that it is no use arguing with her.

"She remains my dearest friend," Miss Hilda Slocum says, "though she continues her practice of eating, and I am informed that she is phenomenal in this respect," she says, "Violette Shumberger can perform the eating. Goodbye. You cannot have Nicely–Nicely."