A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

George F. Will 1941– American columnist

Beauty

It has been said that a pretty face is a passport. But it’s not, it’s a visa and it runs out fast.

Julie Burchill 1960– English journalist and writer

Youth and beauty are not accomplishments. They’re the temporary happy by-products of time and/or DNA.

Carrie Fisher 1956–2017 American actress and writer

I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a fascination that few can resist.

W. S. Gilbert 1836–1911 English writer

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas?

Jean Kerr 1923–2003 American writer

A beautiful young lady is an act of nature. A beautiful old lady is a work of art.

Louis Nizer 1902–94 British-born American lawyer

I always say beauty is only sin deep.

Saki 1870–1916 Scottish writer

If beauty is truth, why don’t women go to the library to have their hair done?

Lily Tomlin 1939– American comedienne and actress

Betting and Gambling

Rowe’s Rule: the odds are five to six that the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train.

Paul Dickson 1939– American writer

Never give a sucker an even break.

W. C. Fields 1880–1946 American humorist

Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.

W. C. Fields 1880–1946 American humorist

asked how his bridge-partner should have played a hand:

Under an assumed name.

George S. Kaufman 1889–1961 American dramatist

I long ago come to the conclusion that all life is 6 to 5 against.

Damon Runyon 1884–1946 American writer

It may be that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong—but that’s the way to bet.

Damon Runyon 1884–1946 American writer

The Bible

An apology for the Devil: It must be remembered that we have only heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.

Samuel Butler 1835–1902 English novelist

The number one book of the ages was written by a committee, and it was called the Bible.

Louis B. Mayer 1885–1957 Russian-born American film executive

The Ten Commandments should be treated like an examination. Only six need to be attempted.

Bertrand Russell 1872–1970 British philosopher and mathematician

LORD ILLINGWORTH: The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden.

MRS ALLONBY: It ends with Revelations.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

I read the book of Job last night. I don’t think God comes well out of it.

Virginia Woolf 1882–1941 English novelist

Biography

see alsoAUTOBIOGRAPHY

Biography, like big game hunting, is one of the recognized forms of sport, and it is as unfair as only sport can be.

Philip Guedalla 1889–1944 British historian and biographer

Biography is the mesh through which our real life escapes.

Tom Stoppard 1937– British dramatist

Discretion is not the better part of biography.

Lytton Strachey 1880–1932 English biographer

Then there is my noble and biographical friend who has added a new terror to death.

Charles Wetherell 1770–1846 English lawyer and politician, on Lord Campbell’s Lives of the Lord Chancellors being written without the consent of heirs or executors

Every great man nowadays has his disciples, and it is always Judas who writes the biography.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Birds

seeANIMALSand Birds

Birth and Pregnancy

If men had to have babies, they would only ever have one each.

Diana, Princess of Wales 1961–97 British princess, while in late pregnancy

Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it’s what you want before you commit.

Elizabeth Gilbert 1969– American writer

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.

Florynce Kennedy 1916–2001 American lawyer

I didn’t ‘fall’ pregnant! I was bloody well pushed.

Kathy Lette 1958– Australian writer

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth 1884–1980 American daughter of Theodore Roosevelt

I fear the seventh granddaughter and fourteenth grandchild becomes a very uninteresting thing—for it seems to me to go on like the rabbits in Windsor Park!

Victoria 1819–1901 British queen

I was caesarean born, but not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I leave a house I go out through the window.

Steven Wright 1955– American comedian

The Body

see alsoAPPEARANCE, FACES