A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

The joy of conceptual art is that the description is everything. Oh yes, there is real artistry at work here. It just isn’t on the walls but in the catalogue descriptions.

Benet Brandreth 1975– English lawyer

The thing what makes you know that Vernon Ward is a good painter is if you look at his ducks, you can see the eyes follow you around the room.

Peter Cook 1937–95 English comedian and actor

If I were alive in Rubens’s time, I’d be celebrated as a model. Kate Moss would be used as a paint brush.

Dawn French 1957– British comedy actress

on attempting to paint two actors, David Garrick and Samuel Foote:

Rot them for a couple of rogues, they have everybody’s faces but their own.

Thomas Gainsborough 1727–88 English painter

It’s amazing what you can do with an E in A-level art, twisted imagination and a chainsaw

Damien Hirst 1965– English artist

I don’t want justice, I want mercy.

William Morris ‘Billy’ Hughes 1862–1952 British-born Australian statesman, on having his portrait painted

when Carl André’s Equivalent VIII consisting of 120 bricks was exhibited at the Tate Gallery :

I think the fellow needs to have his hod examined.

Osbert Lancaster 1908–86 English writer and cartoonist

‘What are you painting?’ I said. ‘Is it the Heavenly Child?’ ‘No’ he said, ‘It is a cow.’

Stephen Leacock 1869–1944 Canadian humorist

Dali is the only painter of LSD without LSD.

Timothy Leary 1920–96 American psychologist

Monet began by imitating Manet, and Manet ended by imitating Monet.

George Moore 1852–1933 Irish novelist

To me, the Mona Lisa just looks like she’s chewing a toffee.

Justin Moorhouse 1970– English comedian

Epstein is a great sculptor. I wish he would wash, but I believe Michelangelo never did, so I suppose it is part of the tradition.

Ezra Pound 1885–1972 American poet

I don’t think rock’n’roll songwriters should worry about Art ... As far as I’m concerned, Art is just short for Arthur.

Keith Richards 1943– English rock musician

on the probable reaction to the painting of the subjects of Turner’s Girls Surprised while Bathing:

I should think devilish surprised to see what Turner has made of them.

Dante Gabriel Rossetti 1828–82 English poet and painter

The photographer is like the cod which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

I always ask the sitter if they want truth or flattery. They always ask for truth, and I always give them flattery.

Ruskin Spear 1911–90 British painter

I doubt that art needed Ruskin any more than a moving train needs one of its passengers to shove it.

Tom Stoppard 1937– British dramatist

the ingredients for a successful exhibition:

You’ve got to have two out of death, sex and jewels.

Roy Strong 1935– English art historian

There is only one position for an artist anywhere: and that is, upright.

Dylan Thomas 1914–53 Welsh poet

Painters are so bitchy. Magritte told Miró that Kandinsky had feet of Klee.

Dick Vosburgh 1929–2007 American writer

advice on how to become an artist:

All you need to know is which end of the brush to put in your mouth.

James McNeill Whistler 1834–1903 American-born painter

Yes—one does like to make one’s mummy just as nice as possible!

James McNeill Whistler 1834–1903 American-born painter, on his portrait of his mother

in his case against Ruskin, replying to the question: ‘For two days’ labour, you ask two hundred guineas?’:

No, I ask it for the knowledge of a lifetime.

James McNeill Whistler 1834–1903 American-born painter

on the ‘Old Masters’:

They are all old but they are not all masters.

James McNeill Whistler 1834–1903 American-born painter

All that I desire to point out is the general principle that Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Audiences

The best audience is intelligent, well educated, and a little drunk.

Alben W. Barkley 1877–1956 American politician

How can I tell the age of the audience out there? I stand in the wings and count the HEAVY SIGHS as they take their seats.

Gyles Brandreth 1948– English writer and broadcaster